set free

Reflections in the new year!

2012-01-12T10:52:00.004-06:00

Wow, 2012! My blogging has really slacked off. I'm stuffed to my neck in posts I want to write. So much has happened in the last few months. Good things, bad things...

School
Inching away at this. Taking two classes each semester with a full time job and being a full time soccer mom was probably biting off more than I could chew. So needless to say the fall season was extremely busy for me. I survived. God, you know only by your hand. You brought along a partner in one of my class whom we were able to brainstorm and make it through the worst of it. You gave me strength and ideas for my other class that had an "interesting" group of students. My grandmother passed away close to thanksgiving and right around the last couple of weeks. Even though I gave it my all most of the time, I would have been happy with a B in those classes considering the circumstances. I managed to score As in both of my classes - Amen! I have been consistently amazed at how the Lord has blessed me in my school work not only in excelling but in showing me that I'm in the right place as I thoroughly enjoy my classes.

Work
I started this job slightly more than a year ago. I'm praising God and I have to remember to praise whenever the work politics and disappointments hit. My work place is badly managed and I don't feel like I'm using my abilities to the fullest. Worst of all, I don't feel like I have a voice or any suggestions stay on paper. So frustration is the name of the game here. Lawd help me!

Family
My son will be entering double digits in a year. God, you are great! The challenges have followed as I balance school/activity schedule and also help him to feel like his life is normal despite having two households. Birthdays are always the most challenging. Should we do two birthday parties..he wants a sleepover...arrgh. I need divine intervention. Arranging a bday party with a narcissist is a chore, because they always want to have it their way. I want my son to be happy, so sometimes I feel like I'm compromising..but it's not about me is it? I may need to seek professional help.

Relationship
I do not like attention so upcoming nuptials are putting a bit of a strain. Should we make everyone happy, or should we just ignore that and do what we want?

Spiritual
I've not been 'feeling' my regular church so the past year has been spent church hopping (or not) but I feel that God has led me to a worship place that I can connect right in my hood- seriously blocks away from me is this wonderful church. I have been so challenged and blessed being here.

Reflection:
When I look at where I have come from and where I'm going, I'm not sure how people make it without God. I am hoping to make this year, the one which I trust God fully, have faith and take his leading. My joy and happiness can only be within the confines of what God has in store and I can't wait to see it unfold. This is a year of major leaps in relationship, work, living and I'm lifting it all up to the master, the one who knew me from the beginning and will take me to the end. Jeremiah 29:11.

2012 here I come.

I need you

2011-11-01T13:32:00.001-06:00

Oh God, give me strength to survive this narcissist today.
I’m feeling weak
I feel so much rage.
I feel so much hatred.
So much regret
So much why me
I have worked so hard to move on
Yet some days I feel like I’m starting all over
I have to contain myself
This battle I may not win
But I have the strength within me
To survive the attacks
To fight in love
To not damage myself in the process
To remember that you exist
Not in my own strength Lord,
Because you have promised
Because I trust you
I will overcome
This too shall pass

Joy

2011-08-26T10:30:00.002-06:00

I’m just so full of joy this morning, when I woke up I felt like rejoicing and telling God how much I am grateful for his presence in my life. Nothing special happened, I didn’t win the lottery, I didn’t get a promotion, heck things are hard right now: I just started school this week and I have already submitted a couple assignments, my relationship/upcoming nuptials still in the works, my lil man started school (insert crazy morning routine) and I can’t figure what to do with my hair which is starting to be messy..but I digress. God is good, all the time. When I think about his goodness, I’m in awe. Why do I let the daily grind keep me in stress mode? When I look at the bigger picture, I see how God has worked in my life. Never did I imagine that at this age I would me mom to the most wonderful boy and making it solo. In this crazy economy, I have changed jobs 3 times and each time I got a little more than I could have asked for. I have not only enjoyed my classes in the last two years, I have excelled in them. When you have God on your side you should be excited at the things he will do in your life. Even in the bad times, trust me, God is teaching you something, so listen and learn-fast. Don’t be wandering in the wilderness for 40 years like the Israelites did. Do you know it would have only taken about 11 days to get to the Promised Land? Allow God and his word to transform you to what he wants you to be. God I pray that I may give you the space and time for you to transform me, because I do not want to dwell in the desert, I want to reach the Promised Land. I’m not sure what life holds for me tomorrow but I can be sure to face it with confidence with you by my side.

Choose to love

2011-07-15T08:45:00.002-06:00

It’s a funny thing about love
We dream about it
Write songs about it
Go chasing after it
Sometimes in the wrong places
Most times with the wrong people
But almost always
Unprepared for what we might find
Not without, but within ourselves
Unprepared to be vulnerable,
Unprepared to not be right
Unprepared to love and to be loved
It’s a funny thing about love
To welcome it
We must discard the fantasies
Accept to be vulnerable
Accept to forgive
Accept ourselves
Then and only then will we discover
That love has always been around us
Waiting a prepared heart
That chooses to love

I will make it today

2011-07-07T14:24:00.000-06:00

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

One of the hardest things in life is making that first move, drawing that first line, flipping to that new chapter. We may have gone through much planning or even agony to come up with precisely what we need to do. Sometimes we stay where we are even with that knowledge, mostly because of fear. We are afraid of leaving the chapter we are in, however uncomfortable, however painful, however meaningless. It could be fear of the unknown, fear about what others are going to say, fear of failure; so we are paralyzed and accept less than. We rationalize in our heads that we are good because we know what we need to do; we just need to set a perfect time to do it, with the perfect person, in the perfect season. In the meantime, days turn into years and the energy dwindles, while the pain, the meaninglessness and the discomfort increase. Life happens adding to the complexity, and the perfect time, person, season does not come. We ignore that inner voice and suppress our faith. Sometimes we realize this futility and move, many times we wait until it all becomes too much to handle, and right at the breaking point we may make that step. That one step may be all we needed. Then we wonder why we waited so long to set ourselves free.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrew 11:1 (NIV)

“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT)

Life's roadmap

2011-07-06T14:05:00.005-06:00

"The unexamined life is not worth living." ~ Socrates.

I have been thinking lately about life and how we progress, grow. One of the things that has helped me figure myself out is writing. I write whenever, wherever I can. Sometimes out of the blue I will read something I wrote years ago and I might laugh, cry or be inspired. I can laugh at all the craziness that I have gone through and the mistakes I’ve made, sometimes those same things sadden me but ultimately I’m thankful because I can see how much I’ve grown. Sometimes I see that I’m struggling with the same thing, maybe in a different way and it upsets me because I should know better, and it gives me determination to work on it. It’s like I have created a map for myself: go here, don’t turn there, cliff waiting, don’t give into that, be more patient here, trust God more…and the list goes on.

Reading about myself helps me examine who I am and face the truth: good, bad, or ugly. I don’t claim that I always address what needs to be fixed heck sometimes I’m going in circles and hitting the same bump over and over. This is when I'm most frustrated with myself! The process of self-examination however continues to help me uncover who I am and where I want to be. The past has really been instrumental in making who I am today. I have learnt from my many mistakes. Wouldn’t I like to forget you ask? I read somewhere that there is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror. When we look at what we left behind, it should be but a glimpse of what we have left behind, we should not dwell on it. We have the whole journey ahead of us. Sometimes, I dwell on the past way too much and then I’m hitting things on the road I could have avoided. Then I know I need to adjust my attitude and keep my eyes on the road. If we narrowly missed a deer, we should be on the lookout ahead. We are more alert at what life can throw at us, because we have been through it. We can look in the rear and learn from our victories, they give us confidence that we can be successful and whatever accomplishments we have had, we can kick it up a notch.

Last night I read a post where I had written about what a particularly wonderful day I had had. Looking back at my life that year, I cannot even possibly imagine that there were any happy days, not to mention it was in the middle of winter which to me might as well be renamed agony! It would appear that it was just one big blur of sadness as it was one of the most stressful years of my life. But there it was- in my own writing that I was good, happy even. Things are ten times better now than they were then and I still find myself with discontent. From further reading, I figured out what I was doing then that made life happy. I was praying, I was confident about what God was doing in my life despite my misery. So I know that I need to adjust my priorities and put God where he belongs, right by me, guiding me. That is why David wrote in Psalms: "The Lord is my shepherd", because if he truly is then all we have to do is follow him, we need not be lost.

Thought for today

2011-07-05T20:37:00.000-06:00

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

C.S. Lewis

The man of my dreams

2011-07-05T13:37:00.004-06:00

I have no doubt that God has a special plan for my life and the man of my dreams. So while I wait to take that step, I will prepare myself to be the woman of my man’s dreams. I have learned a few relationship lessons in life; most importantly that you cannot change someone, you can only change yourself. I pray that I may be the woman that HE wants to share his life with. Lord I have prayed so much for the man that I will share my life with so I’m writing down my thoughts about this man of my dreams.

The man I will marry is loving and compassionate. He has a big heart for people and is willing to reach out to others. He is ambitious and pursues his hearts passions while providing for his family. Although a man should be a good provider, I believe the first thing every man should give his woman is himself. So I know that I will not have to worry about other people coming into our life and dismantling, confusing, upheaving our life because we have let them.

The man I will marry will be a role model for my son. He will teach him respect and honor. Teach him patience and forgiveness. He will teach him integrity and show him that a true man loves, a true man forgives, and a true man is always there for his family in good or bad. A true man is able to step up when a situation warrants it, not cower and run away from responsibility.

The man I will marry will do everything under the sun to make sure that our relationship is working. Even when we disagree and fight, I know that the man I will marry is complete and sure about the love that we have, just as I will be. He is willing to be humble and work on the relationship, and is not afraid to ask for help if the need arises. He will put his family before himself.

The man I will marry respects my family. There will be no compromise here. I know that he will do his level best to keep things smooth.

The man I will marry will put God first as the head of the home. He will seek to be a godly man and seek wise Christian counsel. He will make sure that his family is spiritually sound.

The man I will marry will want to grow: grow in his Christian walk, grow in his character, grow old with me.

In the meantime, I will continue to work on me. To work on the woman of HIS dreams as I prepare to be with the man of my dreams.

Comfort Zone

2011-07-01T11:45:00.005-06:00

One of my favorite things to do in the summer is attend all the free concerts in the city. Chicago has many such venues exhibit A; the beautiful Pritzker Pavilion. Now since I moved to Chicago, I attend at least 5 or more events here each summer, all free, ranging from music concerts to movies to dance workouts. It’s so wonderful to meet and make friends. Yesterday I invited a friend who has lived in this city many years before me so naturally I was thinking they have been here before. Now imagine my surprise when he stated how wonderful the place looked since it was their first time! Now call me music lover or super outgoing, the former yes, the latter, not so much but how in the freaking universe have you never been to Pritzker Pavilion!!!

This got me to thinking about how we get into the routine of things in our lives and we limit ourselves to the things we know work: same route to work, same gym, same grocery store, same restaurant, same bar. It’s a comfort zone, after all “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” right? The problem with doing just the things we know ‘work’ is we limit ourselves to the possibilities of what could be. We don’t get to see another side of things, think differently, heck we don’t even have to think. When we keep doing the same things, we just cruise on and our life plateaus into a monotonous routine and before we know it, we are old and the days have passed. Think of all the new experiences that you may be missing out if you could change up your routine today.

I love predictability, Lord knows I do. I try to plan most of the time, but one thing even I don’t understand about myself is that I love variety, spontaneity and trying new things. Call me disloyal but I don’t even stay with the same hair stylist, I have several. Sometimes when we stay in the same place for too long we don’t notice things that need fixing, things that are wrong, the stench in the corner. We just get used to the stench, the stress, the mess. Sometimes the best thing about venturing out is you discover that what you had before was the greatest thing there is out there, so you go back. But even in this instance, because you moved and learnt to appreciate what you have, the old seems like new.

Think about your relationship with God, are you in a plateau, a rut, same old prayer, same seat in church. God is calling us to get out of our comfort zone and step into his comfort zone. If we get stuck on what works for us then we limit God. If we don’t take chances we miss out on the miracles and the victories that God is waiting to perform in our life. Resolve to move from your comfort zone, take a different route, smile and give a dollar to the homeless man, say hi to that crabby co-worker you avoid, go to a different store, watch a new show, try a new recipe, talk to a struggling friend, take a chance, move your relationship with God to the next level. Don’t just pray about little things, trust God for big things, surrender the control and watch him work.

Take a step today - do something different, don’t get stuck in a rut, God wants you to open up to the possibilities and to the wonderful plans he has for your life. Let’s face it, we have little control in this world and trying to control things around us just stresses us out. If we let God, we free ourselves, experience life as he meant it for us and have joy. He alone is our comforter.

If you are in a comfort zone, which one is it, yours or Gods?

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This ring

2011-06-28T14:30:00.003-06:00

With this ring you pledged your love
With this ring came much happiness
With this ring you promised a lifetime
With this ring a new dream was born
With this ring you would be my partner in life
Now this ring is a reminder
Of love, happiness, promises, dreams, life
Deferred
Now this ring brings sadness and tears
Feeling abandoned and shamed
This love
Agonizing, broken, fleeting
This ring
Beautiful, Whole, precious

Truth and Reality

2011-06-28T12:24:00.001-06:00

When you finally see the truth, it’s like your eyes are opened for the very first time, and you can see clearly, you understand; and you are sad because the reality you lived in, was only a fraction of the truth. It was real, but it was not complete. It was not the truth. Sometimes as human beings we know, we sense, but we don’t want to uncover the truth because it might hurt, because it could move us, because it may be uncomfortable, but we forfeit peace, love and happiness. See, the truth sets you free, truth is universal and eternal; reality is relative and finite. Once reality ends, and if we choose truth, our eyes are opened; we can never go back because we are free. Truth sets us free. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6. If we choose Jesus, we choose truth. Apart from him everything is relative and finite. He is universal and eternal.

Healing

2011-06-28T08:29:00.001-06:00

I am discouraged
once again I thought I could
But I can’t
Not with all this pain
My heart is fragile
How can I go on dear Lord?
Tell me how can I go on?
You tell me one step at a time
But my face is clouded with tears
And I would rather see the Promised Land
But you tell me one step at a time
Not with all this pain
My heart is broken
But you tell me you are with me
Yes Lord I know
I hold on to you dear Jesus
Your eye is on the sparrow
So I know you watch over me
I pray for strength to move
I pray for faith to step
I pray for forgiveness
Take this burden so I’m free
How can I go on dear Lord?
You say I can
So I believe in you
I believe in your word
I can go on

the heart's loss

2011-06-26T20:41:00.000-06:00

Today I mourn:my relationship, love, a dream, a lifetime deferred. God, I was so not prepared for this. I went from being ecstatic about a lifetime to being completely deflated by the disappointment, never ending excuses and eventually the bitter reality.

Today I mourn for my son, for the life that he thought he would have, and the expectations that he has held. My heart just breaks for him so much. How could I let him love someone who would disappoint him then distance himself? How could I, what kind of mother does that…twice? Can I ever forgive myself?

Today I mourn for my parents, for the trouble they have had to go through and for the pain that they bear on my behalf. They wish me well and it’s so hard for them to see me keep falling over and over again. I thank God for their support and wisdom..yes, mostly wisdom even when I didn’t notice it, I realize now how wise they have been.

Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, I will mourn for me.

The Yo-Yo effect

2011-06-15T15:47:00.005-06:00

You are up
You are down
Feeling great
Then feeling burst
Sometimes just over-stretched

Is this what life is really about?
One day smell the roses
Some others just too cloudy
Nothing appeases
How about some predictability?

Do the downs last longer
Than the coming ups ?
Or is it as they say,
Darkest right before dawn?
Who holds the string, who tugs?

I prayed for answers
Just one I did find
There is a master at work
For all the ups and downs
Prepare me somehow

While up I will praise
While down I will overcome
Gaining strength and humility
Whether up or down
The master is my guide

Lord take this hurt

2011-06-15T08:37:00.000-06:00

It hurts to think
It hurts to sleep
My dreams haunt me
My to be life extraordinaire
Now my nightmare

It hurts to love
It hurts to be hurt
My heart is broken
My to be life extraordinaire
Now just a crazy idea?

The things I liked
Are just passing me by
My God, how did I get here?
Did I loose sight,
Of what you desire my life to be?

The things I planned
Now just seem obscured
By all this hurt
Help me gain but a mustard seed
Size of faith to see the sun

If I know one thing
Is in You I have hope
I give you my hurt
Heal me Lord
Turn it into a blessing

In place of all the hurt
I accept your grace and pardon
For peace and joy are mine
And a new vision
To keep on loving

The day the Lord moved

2011-06-15T08:36:00.001-06:00

“The Lord himself goes before you, and will be with you”. Deuteronomy 31:8

Have you ever reached a time when you felt exhausted with and by the things going on around you? Have you ever felt that you needed God to intervene in order for things to work? Yet at the same time the frustration of the situation overcomes you and you become so downcast? This was me the morning I was supposed to move out of my apartment. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I had been planning this move the month prior, packing meticulously albeit slowly, but by the morning of, the task at hand just seemed so monumental; much more than I could handle and certainly more than I had anticipated. Everything about this move had been exhausting, from finding out that I needed to move sooner that I anticipated and the grueling task of finding a new place amidst having final exams. So by the morning of the move, I was defeated by what I saw in front of me. I heard the ‘bleep’ on my phone signifying my daily Bible verse text; I knew it was already 8 am and I prayed a simple prayer (or complaint), “God I don’t know how I’m going to do this!” The answer came in the form of that bible verse text message in Deuteronomy 31:8.

It was one of those moments you know God is going to work but you don’t know how. I just figured that I was going to get strength to work or somehow the packing would become magically easier than I thought. I looked at the boxes and then at all my stuff….if I worked nonstop for the next five hours, I thought, I should be good by the time the movers get here. The more I worked, the more insurmountable the work became. That was the end of myself and the beginning of God. God spoke to a dear friend who decided to come in earlier than planned and another friend who called and wanted to know if I needed help. I’m not sure why I had not even asked for help in the first place. Is it ever like that in your life, that you feel that you can do it all by yourself? It is uncomfortable to ask people for help, this is the culture of do-it-yourself; but this is not God’s way of doing things. My friend whom I had not even asked, in a heartbeat cleared not only hers but her family’s schedule for the day to come help me, and help me they did! I did not ask or tell or direct, they did what needed to get done. The movers were pleasant and worked hard.

God is so gracious, he is at work in our lives even when we cannot speak or do for ourselves. Let us not have such low expectations of God, he is our God, our Alpha and Omega. He says that his grace is sufficient for us and made perfect in weakness. I’m a planner, I could have probably planned this move meticulously and way in advance but because I was removed from it and indeed had little to do with how things turned out, I was able to see God intervening in this situation however minute it may seem. I can’t even put in words how much love I felt from those friends that day, but more importantly how much I felt that God was asking of me to just have a little bit more faith, be a bit more trusting and give up control of things I can’t even control. God takes care of the birds; in Luke 12 he says “How much more valuable are you than the birds!” If he can take care of birds, flowers and wild grass, we should know that our God cares about us in every situation! We need God and we need the fellowship of the people he has put around us. Let us seek God and his kingdom and he will reveal to us his perfect plan in our lives. Do not underestimate God and keep praying for he is about to move in your life if a way you may not have an understanding of and in the way that you need. We can trust him with all things big and small.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. So then I will boast most gladly about my weakness so that the power of Christ may reside in me.”

the years happenings so far

2011-04-13T10:03:00.003-06:00

I have neglected this blog, the busyness of life this winter has been a bit much, but I think of stuff I need to write daily. A lot is happening:

My lil man got his eye glasses yesterday, I can't believe it! He does not reeeally need them but he is a bit shortsighted..sigh. Apparently it's because children spend more time indoors and read more at an early age so...I'm thinking we might spend all summer in the wild just to correct that nearsightedness. $85 for the pair and I hope I do not go home to hear that they are missing broken. I spotted him putting them in his pocket yesterday and cautioned him that it's the best way to have broken glasses. On the flip side, I made sure to buy warranty.
This kid is soo grown. It sometimes breaks my heart but then again, this is the process of life. I signed him up for cooking class after school and he has been teaching me how to hold a knife. He really wanted to cut the onion last night, yikes! I wanted him to appreciate food and cooking health but he's taken it to the next level. Of course he does not stop with the funnies: "why does your hair start so far off your forehead, why can't it start closer"...referring to my big forehead- kids have guts! Yesterday he noticed he had lines under his eyes and wanted me to help him "remove" them. I asked him to wash his face and lotion up after which he was mad because his "lines" were still there. I asked him to drink more water.

School is school, what can I say...I am learning a lot, and sometimes it makes me mad, because I learn how oppressive the 'system' can be. I have been working in a marginalized community and I can't believe the level of poverty, desperation, neglect and hopelessness. Sometimes it's too much. I have made some friends there and I hope to work in garden there over the summer. The people I have met have been so warm. How come poor people tend to be warm, they have a lot more to complain about. It's hard to find well-to do folks who are so warm.

My relationship..I don't know, but I know that relationships are hardwork and that whoever said men are from Mars and women from Venus was right! I'm too grown for compromise but then again a health relationship requires that.

The weather is getting better, thank God, because winter believe it or not, and 10 years of it later, is STILL not my thing.

I'm still mad that I live so far from my family, and that life is so isolated over here. Maybe I need to get over it but it bugs me and I'm praying that God changes some things around so I'm able to move back close to my family. I believe it's going to happen, SOMEHOW!

God is still being God. I have a closer relationship with him now that I did at the beginning of the year. I'm reminded that life does not make sense without God and I continue to seek him, actually I'm learning to surrender....all. I have had to readjust my life, get rid of some friendships, make time for healthy ones, put my career in his hands, I know he has a great plan. I'm praying for faith and trust to take big leaps to the place he has for me. I know that where I'm now is just temporary but I'm learning a few lessons that will help me ahead. I think that is what God does.

Fallacy

2011-01-20T11:00:00.000-06:00

Oh the idiots that make this world run, how would we live without them?
They provide drama, unquestionable lunacy
Entertain us while so proving their knowledge
But in the end, we know they just
Want to be wanted, needed, heard, understood - maybe
All the while projecting their insecurities
Trying to make others look bad
So they can look good
It might save some image, even get them one foot in
But it never cures the inside
See you cannot lie to yourself forever - I think
Unless totally disillusioned,
And then what a waste of life
Take heed if you encounter one, do not be fooled
Do not partake; let them roll in it - folly that is
Oh the narcissists of this world, if only you knew
The only place you are king, is in your own head!

This is an actual encounter with a narcissist, 1/12/2011

2011 - year of faith and hope

2011-01-17T22:46:00.004-06:00

This is definitely a sign of the times. It's half-way through January and I have not blogged once. I have had so many things to say it's burning in my head. For starters I went home sweet home in December. That is all there is to say, because that is total relaxation mode so much so I didn't want to be bothered with internet and all to do a post. It was heavenly and like all other times, I wished that it had been a one-way ticket.

Sadly I have returned to my life, now reduced to the dash to the car, work, school, home for the next 5 months. No room to smell roses - heck there are no roses! Just bushy reminders that summer will come again and that we will again forget this zombie-like life that winter produces not to mention the serious denial. I mean when it's 30 degrees we rejoice because it's not 10 degrees and it has "warmed up". What kind of crap is that?

O Lord once more help me survive this winter with grace, humility and a thankful heart.It's hard, very hard, but I believe I'm here in Chicago for a reason. I believe in the Lord's plan for this year and I'm really excited even though I'm not sure what the totality of it will be.

Thank God for God's grace, how else could we go on without the hope he offers?

Part 1: Dr. Cornel West APHA Opening Session 2010

2010-11-18T22:05:00.001-06:00

The opening remarks of Dr. West at APHA remind me why I'm in this field. This was so passionately and provocatively delivered, if this doesn't stir up your senses about the reality of our society, nothing will. I love that he stands up for the fact that he is a Christian.

A sign of the times

2010-11-16T22:28:00.003-06:00

I have not posted anything in a while. School, work, motherhood, relationship in no particular order have consumed my life. BUT most importantly I get a nice reward-a warm Christmas!! Oh my the very thought. In the meantime I have to accept that winter is here. What is pissing me off most this season is that with the new job, I have to walk about 10 minutes from the parking lot to get to the office....definitely not working out. See, there are many other garages and lots but the parking office claims that they are all occupied. Word from many co-workers is that they got to get into the nearest lot by a)literally stalking the parking office b)-and most common-telling a white lie of some sort-medical issue, etc.
The dilemma. On a serious note, I could possibly get a doctor's note since 2 winters ago my toes have not been very friendly with cold weather and actually start acting up all swollen and itchy if I get super cold. I just need a doctor's note for that but the process..aish.
I saw someone(a grown-up) on a scooter today and considering my son has one too, that thing works quite well in minimizing transportation time...but dang I'm trying to be professional and all so that might ruin my image.
Seriously, I need to know someone in the parking office.

one nice room

2010-10-01T15:05:00.004-06:00

I just finished week 2 of my new job and I can’t complain. It’s a bit slow because I have to learn how everything works but I’m sure that it won’t stay like this, at least I have been warned. Today I visited my old office while at lunch. You may ask “Why” multiple times considering the circumstances of my departure, but there are valid reasons. For one, the only thing separating me from my old boss is a block walk and an elevator ride up to the 7th floor! Luckily they are so busy on the days she is there that chances of ever running into her are pretty much nil. Back to my valid reasons for going back to the office-I left my precious sweater hanging on the hook behind the door so I called in one of my co-workers on the day the big boss was not there. I immediately felt sorry for my co-workers when I got in because I could see piles of work which will take them forever to complete mostly because there hasn't been a replacement for the two of us who left. Almost immediately, my pity turned into a big sigh of relief and a happy dance that I didn’t have to deal with this workload and the fact that they hadn’t mutilated my sweater.

All in all, I’ve realized that one of the only things I miss most from my old job was the ladies' room. It is spacious with a nice coat of paint, bright and airy. There is a counter with all sought of goodies like tampons, pens; samples of Metamucil (don’t ask me why). I suppose you might be on your period, constipated and needing to write something while you are in there?? I don’t think the Metamucil works that fast but as I was saying, you don’t know a bad bathroom until you have been in one and vice versa! I can tell you our current bathroom should fail the code of bathroom appearance. Don’t get me wrong, it’s clean and smells fresh, but the first thing you see when you open the door is a wall, squeeze past the drier to the only two stalls painted black. The lighting so off such that you cannot really see your true state of appearance. You may start to feel color-blind while looking in the mirror. Forget about putting on make-up in there because in real life you may come out looking like a clown. You can’t have two people at the sink at once, the paper dispenser does not work but luckily there is a hand drier-those things are so loud and irritating! While you are using the drier on your way out, you would be blocking someone from coming in.
The worst of it all is that you need a key to get into the bathroom!! For the fact that this bathroom is locked, you would think it has a plush lounge or something fancy to prevent people from wanting to spend all day in it. Luckily, the employees get their own key so they don’t have to ask for it at the front desk like the guests do. I don’t look forward to going in here unless I have to and it always happens that I need to go when I’m out and about but my keys are in the office! It would make more sense if there was a code key type of entrance but nope, that would make too much sense for a government office. Yes, now it all makes sense-I work for the state and we can’t waste tax-payers money to beautify the bathroom. Who ever said the state wastes money was wrong! The bathrooms are practical nothing fancy schmancy here. I have fond memories of the old bathroom, but like the serenity prayer goes, I have accepted that I cannot change this bathroom, after all there are many things I like about this place, but that’s yet to be written.

Of lil men and necklaces

2010-09-29T09:27:00.001-06:00

Let’s talk about the “most awesome necklace” that was ever made. It started with a piece of yarn sometime the first week of school. Then several beads later, a knot and voila! The yarn is green and the beads are multicolored. It hangs just perfectly on the chest and magically goes with just about every outfit. It looks cool and makes an identity statement. This necklace has not left my son’s neck for the past month! I’m talking about not even at shower time. I gave up after initial protests that yarn dries very quickly, which it does- so there was no argument. I also sought of have an attachment to this necklace, because I made someone reach in high places literally for this necklace. The story goes..we were at the grocery store happily shopping in the fruit section. Or I should rephrase that I was happily shopping away while lil man was keeping himself busy with the necklace that he had made at school the day before. We don’t do too many crafts so he was particularly attached to this piece of work. He was tossing the necklace up and catching it-which is apparently what 7 year-olds do with just about everything..clothes, cups, your favorite mug, the remote which now has tape on it…. But I digress. I had bumped into a parent from his class and was chatting away when he tugged at me saying that his necklace was stuck.

He pointed up and sure enough, way up high-we are talking grocery store ceilings high-dangled a green piece of yarn with some beads on it. My response was that we can make another one if it didn’t fall down soon. This necklace does not have any metal anything so the fact that it was attached to the ceiling was puzzling. I venture to guess that it was probably hanging onto some spider webs or a spider itself. Needless to say that necklace was just dangling and had no intentions of getting back down.
My lil man looked at me “I worked really hard on that necklace..” with that mommy-do-something look. I headed to the customer service desk and let them know I had an unusual request, we had a necklace stuck on the ceiling above the bananas-I mean that’s pretty common right? I tried to explain that it was my son’s necklace, not sure if that made it better or worse because if it was mine, I would look crazy but then it would be worth the effort, but again a boy necklace?…well you get my drift. The look on the customer service rep let me know that it was probably not the craziest request she had had. She just called in for someone with a ladder to show up at the counter. This guy was gracious, we just pointed him in the right direction and right over the bananas he rescued our dear necklace.

I am happy that lil man has been wearing the necklace after that daring rescue but I think it has run its course. Now I can see that the beads have been chewed on so they are not as smooth and it’s just plain beginning to concern me that he may NEVER take this thing off. I have offered to replace the yarn or beads but he is fine with his creation as is. Oh what’s a mother to do? Buy him a replacement? Bribe him with a toy? Maybe I’ll just let him be. He is getting his fall pictures taken at school, and he has no intentions of taking it off. I think it will make for good conversation when he is 17 about the time he had a yarn necklace..that is if he is not planning on keeping it that long! I have to think about the consequences should anything happen to this dear necklace, gosh he might need mommy therapy to cope! Let’s just hope it makes a gracious, unremarkable exit off his neck and into the memorabilia box. Long live the necklace-until Christmas at most!

The power of motherhood….beyond the basics

2010-09-25T11:36:00.000-06:00

Being a mother is fantastic, most days that is and I really love it. But I have realized that it has given me a certain edge that I wouldn’t otherwise have in my field. See I look younger than I really am so I’m conscious of people not taking me seriously and I try to dress mature. Now that I have a new job, I have to schmooze, be nice, come to work on time (sigh), not leave early, basically build my trustworthiness all over again. Most of my co-workers are women and majority are older than I am. I have been here for a week today and I have bonded over my son on four separate occasions. First with my supervisor who has a 10 year-old daughter, the assistant to the director let me know that I could adjust my schedule if I needed it for my son’s school and finally two of my co-workers who have boys about the same age as my son. Believe it or not this morning we bonded over the joys of having boys and they happily accepted me in their ‘club’ because I can relate. Who knew? The untold perks of motherhood.

Let the mind wander

2010-09-23T20:43:00.002-06:00

My random thoughts for this week..

My uncle died, my cousin texted, “Dad is dead”….I can’t imagine what it takes to write that. I feel sad and I'm in denial. I mostly feel bad for my cousins-they are now orphans twice...they were adopted.

My parents take on a lot of burdens for the whole family and this worries me.

I think I’m going to like my new job very much. I love working with documents.

I plan on going home in Dec. Thank you Jesus!

There’s a pregnant teenager in my neighborhood. She is on baby #2; she has no bed, no clothes for her kids. It has made me think on another level. It has given my school and future work meaning.

You can’t be friends with everyone; I have learnt that in the last few years. You will be disappointed by many, be true to yourself, it’s the only thing that will count, don’t get swept up by the friendship current.

I have friends whom I barely see or talk to, but when we get to talk even if it’s once or twice a year; we laugh or cry like the time never passed. Even if I didn’t speak to them for 2 years, I know they would have my back instantly. I have ‘friends’ whom I laugh with regularly, I don’t think they are willing to cry with me. I need to do something about that.

I’m juggling a lot lately, new job, school, soccer mom, regular mom, fiancé, I’m overwhelmed.

I don’t like it that our society is so fragmented. I have to make time for church friends, co-workers, parents at school, my son’s soccer team friends, single friends, married friends, school friends, African friends all in 24 hours!

I don’t understand why we all just can’t get along. I once heard on radio the story of this guy who invites 50 people to his house for dinner on Sundays, anyone can come so long as they rsvp, it’s somewhere in Europe and I plan on looking him up if I’m ever that way. I wish I could do a Sunday dinner for even half that number for people to just let loose…without worrying about time, race, just enjoying the company of each other.

With that said, Criminal Minds is my all time favorite show so I know they are many crazy people. Did I say how much I looove some Shemar Moore? Fall premier did not disappoint.

"Jesu witu niwe watuonire,hindi iria tuorete agicoka agituonereria njira ya muoyo-ini". One of the songs we sang in elementary school. I don’t know why it’s been in my head. It means Jesus found us when we were lost and showed us the way to eternal life.

Without God, my life would be meaningless.

I have lived long enough to know that money is the root cause of very many evils. It takes some serious discernment, wisdom and Godliness to use money wisely when you have it in plenty. It seems to me the more money people make, the greedier they get, the less generous they get and the more arrogant and selfish they become. It’s just paper! The saddest part is that it disappears and if happiness and money go hand in hand for you, woe unto you!

I really enjoy my community health classes. If we addressed racism, we would significantly improve health outcomes.

I love my family so much and the greatest dilemma of my life is that I don’t get to spend much time with them. I have seriously been re-thinking my role in the diaspora and if it is worth it. At the moment, I’m arguing that it is because of my career prospects but with my son growing up without extended family,so not worth it…sigh.

ants are blind

2010-08-03T13:37:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was monumental. Two weeks ago, Lil man had asked what a coconut looked like to my horror. Being the great and amazing parent I am, we went to the store and bought a coconut. I explained to him that we can't just cut into it,we would wait to go 'drop' it in our backyard since it's wonderfully created as concrete.

Yesterday was that day, I let him do the honors and it went very well, the coconut broke in half. I managed to grab it before all the water spilled. Lil man was very surprised that it was water and not 'milk' because he had been looking forward to tasting coconut milk. I use coconut milk quite often(from the can)in my cooking but I don't know where he got the idea that the one in the coconut would taste like cow milk.

He tasted the coconut water-that was ok. I explained that the milk comes from squeezing the white part of the coconut. I demonstrated by crushing some in my mouth and spitting it out-gross I know. He tried to eat some of it but he kept spitting it out, finally he begged me to 'squeeze' some in my mouth so that he could taste it-I didn't do it, that will be the work of my handy garlic crusher yet to be accomplished.

A couple hours later we came back to the backyard and each of the little pieces of coconut we had thrown around was surrounded by an army of ants.
So lil man in his wisdom " Why are the ants eating these pieces, they have my spit on them, can't they see the spit...man, ants are blind!"

this super convenient life

2010-07-22T21:03:00.003-06:00

You know you are in the US when in an elevator, only 2 of you, going to the fifth floor and the other passenger comments.."I don't know why they don't have air conditioning in these elevators, it's too dang hot!"
Let's dissect that conversation...
1. We are only in the elevator for half a dang minute.
2. You could literally take the stairs to the fifth floor.
3. It's not even past 90 degrees, we are talking 80's.
4. There is only 2 people in the whole elevator, try taking a crowded elevator midday on a hot day.
5. Really, that is your issue?
6. Fan yourself for the half a minute.
7. These elevators are so dang efficient, it's not even half a minute, something like 20 seconds.

Yes, this microwave life we live!

God can do anything

2010-07-21T09:21:00.003-06:00

I've been doing this thing where I pull a bible verse and have my son memorize it for the week. It was going to be one per week but it became too easy. Initially, I was going to set up a prize box but it never happened so when lil man recited the two verses, I offered that he could pick dinner that night. This is huge since he is so darn picky and for the most nights he doesn't approve of my healthy options.

Of course I was prepared that it was going to be something unhealthy. So he sheepishly announced that he wanted the Jewel honey wings.They are fried yes and definitely the best wings you can buy so I wasn't too sad.
We hopped on over to Jewel, got our pound of wings and we had to drive somewhere else before we got home. Fried wings in a car at 6pm..even if you were not hungry you have to dig in so as I was driving my lil man was busy munching away at the wings.
So after attacking a couple of wings, he stated as a matter-of-fact.."You know what they say....you can't finish wings all by yourself!"
LOL. So I'm always using some quote or the other on my lil man so it's good he's getting the gist of it but lol, I think he is confused on whom 'they' are.

I asked him who 'they' are and he just repeated his quote, and then thought about it some and blurted.."But only God can finish wings by himself, because he is God, he can gobble all of them up!"

At least we know that the lesson "God can do anything" is well understood, I can live with that.

Kids do listen...and obey

2010-05-25T11:57:00.003-06:00

This morning went pretty smoothly considering we were dragging when we woke up. It's over 80 degrees so the school encouraged the students to bring a bottle of water, which we have been doing anyway. They also stressed that no juices or sodas are allowed, strictly water.
So I 'fixed' lil man's bottle and on our way to school I let him know that I added ice in his water so it would stay cool longer. His response? "Mom, I don't think we are allowed to have ice in school." My poor child, the school had apparently done a great job of scaring the students into bringing nothing other than water....
"Honey, I don't think the school will mind if you bring ice to school, after all ice is the same thing as water." They just learned about matter so I reminded him.
Lil Man:"Oh yeah, I forgot,then it should be ok".

All's well.

Natasha Bedingfield - These Words with Lyrics

2010-05-19T22:03:00.000-06:00

the one who holds me

2010-05-17T21:24:00.003-06:00

I found out a friend moved to a different continent for good. She is a great friend. She did not tell me and that hurt a little, but I completely understand-because I have often felt the same way many many times. That I could just wake up one day and put together everything I have and move back home, closer to family and closer to peace. So I'm a tad bit jealous that she had so much courage to do that which I have been wishing BUT even more so INCREDIBLY happy for her!
As for me, every day this month has been an incredible journey to finding myself...yeah 30 and still searching...the great news is that I finally had the courage to face the truth-my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. He is the beginning and the end. I'm incredibly excited...even though I have been a christian a long time, it's been an journey and I'm learning everyday to trust in the one who made me. My heart is rejoicing-even though there are a bunch of challenges ahead of me. I know that I can be confident that the one one who holds my heart also holds the future. It's incredibly great to know God experience true love and peace.

Hope for today

2010-05-17T21:23:00.000-06:00

"TO BE HOPEFUL in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.
What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.
And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."
— Howard Zinn

cooking gene?

2010-05-10T20:34:00.003-06:00

I made chapati's today. There is no better cure for homesickness than making your all time favorite meal growing up. Many people complain that it is a tedious task but for some reason, I think it's a pretty snappy job, once I figured out how to make the perfect dough that is.
Today I had my superhelper aka lil man. He loves to help with the cooking and I love to have him help me-only that the clean-up takes as much time as it does to cook!! Today was no exception and I figured out you are only a kid once so I let him play with the wheat flour, corn flour, pour water here, stir, blow, and touch everything he shouldn't be. So by the end of it, the two of us and everything around us was looking 'heavenly'.
I was explaining to lil man how it's nice that he gets to help me roll the chapatis because he can learn how to cook-letting him know that my brother is a great cook.
Of course he had a smart reply, " I'm already a good cooker", LOL, ok corrected the 'cooker' part then asked him why he thinks he is already good. He proceeded to explain that he is already good because he inherited 'cooking' from my brother, just like he inherited his drawing skills from grandpa.
Ok, my bad, maybe I didn't explain the whole passing down genes very well but I can see he picked up something. I'm just not sure my brother's culinary skills bothered to criss cross all the way down the lineage to my son but only time will tell.

PS. The Chapatis were great even with all the over-rolling and prodding of dough that lil man does, so he may be onto something here.

It did pass

2010-05-08T22:22:00.004-06:00

The studying, the papers, the anxiety, the finals. All over-for now until I start over in August-But for now I can take the time to hopefully get some sun. It's Chicago, when the sun comes around, you better get it. I do feel like a huge burden has been lifted. But in many ways it just made space for other things that did not get any attention-summer plans, pending wedding, hunting for a new job...ugh. The never ending cycle of madness in this land of "milk and honey".
My source of renewed hope and energy is to remember that it's not about me, that there is someone greater than I am who is at work in me. I'm so grateful for the gift of salvation, because when I'm at my worst, I can still feel loved and accepted. Thank you Lord for reminding me to stop relying on myself for all the things that stress me. I'm thankful for the promise that he will always be there and I know this is true from experience.
It's Mother's day tomorrow and I'm so grateful for my mother so beautiful in and out. I'm grateful for the chance to be a mom to lil man and I pray for the wisdom and strength to help him be the best he can be. To many more years of being a mom and superwoman!

homesickness

2010-05-02T00:12:00.003-06:00

Life is so unpredictable, one minute you are up and soaring and the next minute you are down, lonely and out. It's 1 am on Sunday morning, studying for my exam on Tuesday. It was a good day. It had both ups and downs, tears and laughter all in one day. I love my friends because I can always count on a good laugh when I'm with them. I'm trying to make changes in my life that are painful and emotionally exhausting, and I've been good about being 'strong' but today, I cried some of that pain away.
I miss home, I miss my family on days like this. I feel like the only thing that could make this moment better is if I was surrounded by my family. My lil man is away this weekend and the house is lonely, too lonely. Did I say I miss home?
I don't even feel like going to church today, sometimes, I just want to be in church that feels exactly how it feels at home...many miles away.

the last stretch

2010-04-20T09:52:00.001-06:00

I’m exhausted, mentally, emotionally, any kind of way. It’s that last 2-week stretch of the semester. There are soo many tasks to be done-why I’m I in school again? Why I’m I voluntarily torturing myself? I’ve kind of figured out, that even though school is taking a lot out of me, my job/work is the real killer here. I just can’t do it anymore. I officially hate my job. It takes a huge amount of energy to do the most minute task and my productivity is at an all time low. See, my boss is too bossy and I just don’t feel like I can take any more crap from her. Since the office manager passed away, this place is just not the same. This place in the words of Lauryn Hill (and not how they were meant to be used) is ‘killing me softly’, my brain at least. I need more- a challenge, more responsibility, more sense of doing good or accomplishment, and this is not it! This is not where I’m supposed to be but where I’m I supposed to be?

I’ve toyed with the idea of quitting and living on loans to do school full-time for 3 semesters. But I’m a mom and the economy is not so the way it used to be, so that might not be a smart move. Ok, I should be getting married soon so this could potentially work-that’s another post altogether, the whole marriage thing. The most rational thing to do is apply for other more suitable jobs. I know I want more challenge and responsibility but let’s face it, that means working long hours to prove myself on top of school and lil man so do I really want to take the route of a new job, new commute, and new hours? I love my flexible schedule as it is. Yuck, I guess something has to give.
I’m thinking I should trust and believe that God could provide this perfect job where I’m challenged and can strike a balance, but I’m scared. Scared to fully trust in the workings of an almighty God, my father who absolutely cares for me? What I’m I thinking? The God who cares about what birds eat…Why can’t I pray and trust God for this miracle job, doesn’t he have plans to give me a hope and a future? I know I need to surrender, do my best, and believe. Easier said than done, Lord I need strength and wisdom to get through this time.

March oh March

2010-04-07T13:52:00.000-06:00

March has come and gone and I’m sure glad it has. A lot of mixed emotions this month, thinking about it, I’m just grateful I came out in one piece. Let me see, it started off with a take-home midterm exam…yes that says it all, it means stress. On the day we received the assignment, I was glad I had sometime to think it over because I didn’t want to have to do all that thinking at once. I sat on it for a couple days thinking I should do it bit by bit. This is all too wishful thinking for me, but I had a plan. I was looking over the syllabus and somehow misread the due dates for the exam, it was three days past and I only had the coming weekend to get it all down before Friday?
I did what I do best, panicked for an entire 3 minutes. 10 page paper due in 4 days on “stuff”. This was going to be my first paper in eh…7 years and I had 4 days!!! Ok, more like I panicked for a whole afternoon. I quickly dialed my emergency babysitter, a.k.a fiancée and let him know that I needed him the following Saturday to work some magic with lil man-all day. Luckily he does not mind.
I had an early Saturday; I convinced myself that driving to the library would be a waste of time so I planned to have a productive day on the dining table. Lil man was off and I was on.

The trouble with being at home is…many things are a distraction. I like to clean (unluckily). So I figured out I could clean the kitchen first and that would make concentrating easier. Ok, an hour later, I was staring at my comp. I had 5 questions out of 6 to answer. If I tackled 3 today (LOL) I would have 2 to do the next day and Monday to look everything over. Two hours later, I had researched the first two questions and had picked my final 5 questions to answer. This definitely was not going as planned. A quick look at the syllabus at the end of the day(being sidetracked) revealed that I had an extra week to submit this exam! What? After all that panicking….ok good ending to that story.
Class number 2 on Tuesday revealed that I had my midterm the day after my take-home was due, I totally don’t know how I overlooked all these dates. Note to self; calendars are a grand thing.

Ok, so beginning of March, I was being mom as usual (and with all its happy and challenging times) and I had two exams but that was not enough, I started feeling sick the weekend before all this. I thought it was a cold but I was so fatigued all I wanted to do was sleep. I managed to turn in my paper at 8 pm on the due date even though the deadline was midnight. Actually I had it done the Sunday night prior, a crisp 10 pages except I realized that I did not double-space!!! S*** what kind of student I’m I? No wonder I kept filling it with ‘fluff’….. So I had to edit it to half of what I had which is not as bad, I just took out the fluff and left the good stuff stay. At this point I didn’t care, I had an exam to study for the next day and I was feeling crappy. That Monday night, I was too congested, had a headache and went to bed early. My exam was at 3 in the afternoon, I just ignored work the next day and studied, I even considered calling the prof to see if I could take it the next day but decided taking cold meds to keep me awake was a better idea.

Fast forward, a few days later I was feeling even worse and realized I had a full blown sinus infection and had to be on antibiotics. Thank God for a boss=doctor. Mid-March is registration time for summer camp. God heard my prayer that day, the lines are usually long but for some reason, I was in and out that day. Life was looking pretty good.

I got to work ready to tackle all those projects I neglected while I studies. As soon as I sat on my desk, our receptionist dialed my extension sounding desperate; apparently my boss needed my help downstairs because our office manager was feeling sick. Now, our office manager needs a post all by herself, but she was prone to getting her blood sugar so low we would have to put an IV while she was in the office, chocolate bar for breakfast will do that to you.

So I quickly ran downstairs and found that Julie was vomiting and going in and out of consciousness with like 10 medical residents/doctors surrounding her… not doing much just staring. I could hear “code blue” on the hospital speaker system which is when I realized she needed to go to the ER ASAP. So I got to Julie who was being helped onto a wheelchair by my boss, grabbed her handbag and work documents and was to meet them back at the ER. That was the last day that I saw Julie as herself. The ever- vivacious, quirky, whacky for a manager-type of lady who never had a bad day. She usually cursed it away. She called me ‘hon’ and treated me more like her child. She had a funny saying for everything and it made me laugh. I mean who says “I gotta pee so bad my back teeth are hanging loose”? LOL. Most of them never made sense but were funny nonetheless. I survived this work place because of her.

Everything else went so fast, ER, CT scan, brain aneurysm, surgery-she showed signs of recovery for just but one day. We even joked about getting blue eye shadow, which was always her line, that if she had a stroke, we would put blue eye shadow on her just to annoy her. Then more surgeries but the bleed in her brain was too much for her, she died with her family surrounding her. On March 28, I was at the funeral of my manager dear friend. I keep re-playing that scene over and over, that trip to the ER, like I could have done something to prevent it. Then I started hating smokers, Julie had been a life-long smoker, a risk factor for her type of aneurysm. But eventually I’ve gone into some place between denial and acceptance-if there is such a place. I’m so glad I got to know Julie, and every time I think of her, I laugh at her funny sayings and stories. Most times it’s hard to believe she is gone. We are all moving on I guess. Life moves on. I’m glad I have the promise of a better life after death, because then I can be confident that even when I pass on, I will be in a better place.

Lil man had spring break vacation the day after the funeral and the dear Lord was kind enough to give us extraordinarily warm temperatures for which we enjoyed every bit of. 80 degrees in April is like Christmas in July, like a drop of water in the dessert….ok you get the picture. Perfect spring break! I even managed to finish undoing the extension braids on my head-a real pain in the neck-literally.
April, please be kind.

kids really do say the darnest things...

2010-03-22T21:40:00.002-06:00

School is really kicking me in the behind this semester but I'm sure I will triumph. Too bad I've missed on writing about all the funny comments from lil man...but this one...couldn't let this one go.
Yesterday evening, our trip to Targee turned out to be more than we had bargained for. I had a couple very specific things that I needed to purchase, BUT as it almost always turns out, my hands were full by the time I got to the counter. Get this, I specifically did not get a cart or a basket for this very reason but as we were getting out of the store both lil man's hands and I were sore from lugging all the items we had picked. So my lil helper and I paid, got them in bags and as we were walking from the store, he comments "My arms are so tired, I feel like they are going to fall off!"
"Me too honey, " I replied "but just hang in there the car is not far."

As we walk out the door trying to hurry to the car, lil man asks in a matter-of-fact voice "If my arms fall off, I'm I going to grow some new ones?"
First I did what I always do, laugh out loudly (inwardly of course), looked at him and just smiled because I could see he was serious. I know they have been learning about reptiles and he has a fascination with lizards and what nots..you get my drift.

"No honey, only lizards and other such reptiles grow parts when they loose them."
"Oh yeah, I knew that," came the reply.

I've caught myself laughing so hard the couple times I have thought about this. Kids...my lil man.

big words, lil man

2010-03-08T10:15:00.003-06:00

I think every working mom knows that if you get your kid out the door in one piece and one time, it's going to be a good day. So today I was up early, made some cheese eggs, we had some leftover breakfast sausage which I warmed up. My picky eater decided that the eggs did not have enough cheese so he got some toast. My lil man nowadays seems filled with doses of wisdom. I asked him if he wanted jam or butter on his toast. He responded by stating that it is not 'jam', it's 'jelly'. "Jam is extinct, mommy, don't know, we are in the future". LOL. Apparently I'm so old I don't realize that we don't use that word anymore according to a first grader?!
Ok so got the jelly and butter, put the not so cheesy cheese eggs on his toast, he took one bite which he happily ate but as he examined the bread for his next bite, he saw what he says is a nut in the bread. That was the end of the toast and eggs. It's whole wheat bread!! I used the same bread to make a cheese sandwich which he happily ate yesterday but noo...not today. I know my lil man, I could sit there and scream for two hours and he would take the full two hours to finish one bite of that bread.
So onto the sausage. He took one look at it, "hmmm, this looks awfully familiar mommy, did you save the sausage from yesterday?" Seriously! Anyway he ate some of the sausage, some juice and he was full.
He had a presentation on dinosaurs which he worked on over the weekend. Huge poster, would not have been my choice but his dad decided to go all out. Ok, got the poster, we are walking to the car and lil man blurts, "Man, first grade is on another level!" I'm like what did you say "First grade is on another level now mommy, they make us do presentations for 3rd and 5th grade!" LOL. I had even forgotten about the dinosaur project, that must be where he picked up the 'extinct for jam'. I guess if we learn words we gotta use them somehow.
I laughed all of the 6 minute drive to school. We made it to school on time, it's going to be a good day!

I miss my mom

2010-02-21T21:26:00.003-06:00

There are some things that don't change no matter how old we are. Some days like today I just want my mom...and on days like this when I'm having an incredibly hard day, I regret why I live so far from my family and I'm filled with immense sadness and helplessness. I really hate that I live so far away and its something that I think about on a daily basis. I don't think my life is much better just because I make more than I would make living at home. I struggle with whether the education and pursuit of the American dream is worth it after all not to mention enduring 5 months of bitter cold and lack of sunshine.
I called my family today, and somehow instead of making me feel better, I felt sad. I am missing all those chances of laughter and sharing. I'm always rushing, busy, lot of times lonely and feeling so heavily laden as a sole provider for myself and lil man.
Ok so I'm getting married and to a great man...but at this point this is a bit
stressful in itself...where are we going to live, when is the wedding, how big, how much...YIKES!!! Lots of endless questions...I don't have time or space in my brain. I need to file my taxes, fill out my FAFSA, complete my homework assignment, catch up with the pile of reading, sell some chocolates for lil man's school fundraiser, meet with his teacher...and that's why I need my mom, because she would hug me and let me know that it was all going to be ok and I would feel better.
She did let me know that it was not going to be like this forever and that I needed to trust that God knows what I'm going through and he can lighten this load. If I didn't believe in Jesus, I don't know where I would be right now. I know in the back of my head that he cares and is right here with me. Sure, it's not my mom but he has a special way of letting me know that it's going to be ok. So that's all I'm banking on now, the Lords promise to always be with me, strengthen me.
"Do not be anxious, about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guide your heart and your mind, in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6

Wow, I have a blog...

2010-02-08T23:02:00.006-06:00

Ok, so my life has been totally hectic and amidst my pile of paperwork I remembered this blog and how good it feels to write without being 'forced'. I have posts stored in my head that I have been wanting to put down and now that I started I'm afraid I might not stop...but I have to, because of a minor thing called a MIDTERM on Thursday!! First of all...don't know why they call it midterm because it's only been a few weeks and it's not midsemester but to help it make sense there is midterm 1 and 2.
Epidemiology is an interesting subject, I loove this class. Actually I love school and work is cramping my style right now. My boss seems to be yelling more than usual and I'm not liking it the least bit. I had a co-worker walk right out and quit a couple weeks ago and lately I've been dreaming about doing the same thing...yeah, stick it to them...but that is where it shall stay for now because I don't have a trust fund, I digress. Back to school,the place where fulfillment and stress meet, but I can live with that.
My baby boy a.k.a lil man has seen Mommy less because of the massive amounts of work I've had and crazy schedule. I never cease to amaze myself at how I always manage to overschedule myself. Typical characteristic acquired from my dad. I'm part of a group fundraising for microfinance projects in Kenya, I volunteered to give an overview of Africa as one of the few in my church this week, also thought it would be cool to teach a Kiswahili song to a couple people...mental note: meet with band and vocalists on Thursday night. I want to volunteer for another fabulous health project(meeting with director has been pending for a few weeks now), small group(church) meeting this Tuesday after study group meeting, sell those chocolates for lil man's school fundraiser, my friend just had a baby today and need to see her, need to return phone that I bought over the weekend...too much, my brain is barely functional. On top of all that, we are getting a winter storm that will make commuting a nightmare!!!!
I thought writing this post would make me feel better but it's only outlined how
scatter-brained I am right this minute and how many things need to be done. So I think I have to stop writing and do something else...yeah forgot about doing my taxes. Those need to be done ASAP so I can fill in my loans information....
If my family is reading this, pray for me. Lord, I need to feel some sanity in my life, give me wisdom to figure these things out.

I turned 30....

2010-01-05T14:26:00.000-06:00

I feel just about the same as I did yesterday.
I may have noticed a gray hair that wasn’t there
Probably a wrinkle making its way
But I keep on walking without a care
My confidence keeps them at bay

A new chapter of life started with a prayer
To be the best I could without delay
Spread some happiness, ease some despair
Forgive myself and others for all gone astray
For only then can peace be mine to declare

I embrace my life without dismay
Trust God for my future, faith and hope to share
With family and friends everyday
Those moments precious and rare
And the greatest of all, Love to always display

30s here I come!

That 'stuff' on his head....

2009-12-09T14:02:00.005-06:00

So my Lil Man, does not like taking a bath....initially, because once he gets in, you know the story, he does not want to get out!! So this past Tue was no exception. He fought and gave excuses like he has not touched any dirt, he is too tired to take a bath. Of course I was not having it.

Once in the tub as usual, he decides he likes taking a bath but a Charlie Brown Christmas show that was coming on saved the bath toys. Yesterday was really cold and our place takes forever to warm up so I washed him washed his hair, pulled the stopper. By now he was acclimated to the bath idea and was still in the tub waiting for all the water to go down. I grabbed a dry face cloth and asked him to dry his hair quickly so he does not get cold. So his response.."No it's ok mommmy, I don't want to dry my hair." (I expected that, 6 year olds always want to do the opposite of what you tell them)
Me: But you will be really cold if you don't."
"No I won't, because hair has fur on it that protects it from being cold!"

Say What?!

My son has fur on his hair. I love how 6 yr olds think. I guess it makes some sense. Why should your head feel cold if it has a layer of hair/fur on it?

I was going to explain the whole evaporation/cold/heat business but I was too busy laughing. I love me some Lil Man humor.

the madness pokes its head

2009-12-02T20:48:00.003-06:00

In true tradition of this blog, I have to record my recent run-ins with the truly narcissistic EX. Apparently the world has crumbled because I revealed to my lil man that he will be travelling to visit his grandma this Christmas. I didn't have any intentions of doing it but he overheard me on the phone. I didn't think it was a big deal since no explicit instructions were given NOT to reveal.

So I get the part where someone would be mad, but the part where they feel the need to shame me, put me down, call me names and claim that I'm out to ruin a father/son relationship? Total narcissism and once again I praise the Lord from delivering me from the mouth of this lunacy. The Text word for word "Once again you have shown your ignorance about a father son relationship. Next time super glue your lips shut, that way u can have plenty of time to think before you run another great surprise between X(lil man) and I". This is after my very sincere apology.....This is a series of events just in this past week. Who the crap does he think he is? I honestly feel sorry for this man so I'm not even replying but the most saddening part is I often wonder how I can let my child spend a minute under the influence of a psychologically and emotionally deficient person such as this! Grow up man....this is not 1st grade!

Then again in such times, I remember that God is the only one who gives me strength to survive literally because I would loose my mind otherwise. Thank you Jesus for loving me and reminding me that there is someone else who is in control.

Despite my sadness over this holiday season, God has really shown me how much love surrounds me this season and I'm grateful for my life.

Thanksgiving fears

2009-11-16T15:57:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving……I have a lot of things to be thankful for: family, friends, work, school, good health, good grades, etc. I’m so blessed which is why I feel a bit selfish for being so anxious about the actual holiday. The months of November and December bring happiness and sadness in much the same amounts. If I’m not travelling to see my family which is not so often, I know I will be in cold Chicago and I’m always anxious about being alone during the holidays and while everybody has happily made plans to be with their family, I’m always in that awkward state of unplanned Thanksgiving, unplanned Christmas. I almost hate it when people ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving. There are usually a number of scenarios when this question comes up with my response (in my head) after it.

Scenario 1: Person asking is going out of town to be with family. When I respond that I have no plans, there’s the usual, do you have family anywhere close or how often do you get to see your family? Sad story that I wish I didn’t have to recount.
Scenario 2: Person asking feels has family in town/burbs so they say that if I don’t have any plans, I can join their family for Thanksgiving. Maybe
Scenario 3: Person asking has family in town but it’s obvious Thanksgiving is “their” thing so the invitation is made in a weird way like “we’ll be home, you can always join us” sounding intrusive but willing to sacrifice type of vibe. A big NO
Scenario 4: Person asking is truly honestly concerned and especially if they are Africans in the Diaspora, I know they truly mean it. Most Likely

The comfortable scenario only happens about 10% of the time. How’s that possible? I know many people; ok I think I have friends.

See, I used to have this friend in Chicago who is real cool like family and I knew that unless they were going out of town, we would stick together for Thanksgiving wherever we were going to be. Too bad they moved to a different city and now I’m back to square one.

I’m not throwing a pity party for myself. I’m really not. But this has the tendency to make me want to have 5+ kids so I can always have a big family around me. Not a good reason but reasonable. So I’m thinking I should start my own party and invite people who have nowhere else to go as opposed to having the 5+ kids. I think that’s a better plan. Starting next year that is… See this year; I have this job with bare minimum vacation and school, mostly school. So I can’t afford to take up too much time entertaining while I have pending final exams!

I’m not sure where I was going with this but I’m thankful for my family that I know will be with me: my Lil and my Main man. Even if it’s just the 3 of us, we have a lot to be thankful for.

How much Lysol do we need?

2009-11-11T21:49:00.006-06:00

I have a personal opinion regarding the H1N1 which I will not share. I sure hope this thing goes away as fast as it came or at least we figure out why it's infecting some people so severely.

My Lil man has his own opinions too. Obviously they have been hearing about this at school and home. I wash my hands enough times during the day and he knows the routine now, wash hands as often as possible. Sometimes when he wants to make me happy he will wash his hands and let me know that he did. This is a huge improvement from his previous behaviour. He once came up with a clever way of not washing his hands after peeing....use a piece of toilet paper to hold his peepee/weanie so no touch, no reason to wash hands, just as if he never peed at all. LOL. It was ingenious and a mighty grand scheme but no points were gained. I think he still does it in my absence...but I digress. The important thing is he knows that hand washing is important and H1N1 is serious.

So this evening, I was writing some words on his dry erase board when he stopped and seriously stated that we needed some lysol wipes. I asked him why. Guess what the reply was.."Because I do not want to get H1N1 from the BOARD and lysol kills H1N1".

ME: I don't think the board would give you H1N1 unless one of us gave it to the board.
LIL MAN: Yes it would, it can get H1N1 from the air or something and we need to wipe it so we don't get it from the board.
*BLINK* If his opinion is right, we have the flu virus hanging out in our house waiting to infect anything, even the blackboard. We may need a lot of lysol by lil man's reckoning.

I think I will stick to a great diet and Vitamin C on this issue... lysol wiping may not be such a bad idea either. The things that six year olds say. I will miss this age.

starches of our life

2009-11-10T09:56:00.001-06:00

My lil man, all of six years old has issues with food. Yesterday I had to make a starch and being the great and understanding mom, I gave him a choice, rice or ugali. Kids like rice, it’s plain and looks interesting, well most kids except this one. He was almost throwing a fit when I mentioned it. Now I have known this for a while but I asked him yesterday why he doesn’t like rice. The reply “It’s too small and it gets stuck I my teeth”. LOL and ugali, that is a given, he doesn’t like it because it’s Kenyan…even though he eats it when I make it. He likes ugali but will never admit it and good for him because I will never stop making it.

In the spirit of this food exchange, I asked him what he likes to eat and he asked if I could make porridge, he loves porridge. You know that gooey thick mix of amaranthus, millet, oats, rye, maize…yes that one. He doesn’t yet know what’s in it but that’s good for everyone because it’s probably healthier than all those starches combined. I didn’t make porridge for dinner, but I promised to make it for breakfast.

I still lost on the dinner issue since he remembered some left over spaghetti with sausage from the day before and happily ate away. That is all I could ask for, I suppose, my six year old happily eating away. We did make porridge this morning, a good hearty bowl. Now I know why he likes it so much, he gets to put a lot of sugar in it (like I do). I guess you win some you lose some, it’s a great morning!

God is good all the time

2009-10-26T14:44:00.003-06:00

A totally unexpected happening today, I got an email that I received a scholarship at school for $1000 credited to my account....Whaaat? God works in miraculous ways. God is faithful even when we fall short (previous post).God is good all the time.

Self assessment and the need for wisdom

2009-10-26T14:38:00.000-06:00

I’m on a journey, to clean up my act, because I’m called to live for and at a higher standard. Funny, how it is so easy to live your life so selfishly without thinking about consequences, purpose and goals. It’s easy for me to wake up in the morning, drop my lil man off at school, run to work, do some work, check email some, get stressed some, pick my son up, dinner, some TV and then do it all over again the next day. Busy, too busy to exercise, to read the Bible, to call up some friends…and lately I’ve been caught up in that cycle. Once you start going down that road, it’s a domino effect, it triggers a series of other bad decisions. That was where I found myself this past weekend, on that road to nowhere, cruising and going through the motions, the road where everything just seems blurry, doing things for no rhyme or reason.

I was having a good time, it was a party, I had some wine I didn’t like, I had a strong drink I didn’t like but heck everyone was doing it, and it was Saturday, why not? Someone said something I didn’t like, pretty disgusting with a sexual connotation to it, I didn’t get mad, I just dismissed it, someone crossed the line, I dismissed that too, I stayed out late, slept in, missed church, watched the game….catch my drift? Sigh… it saddens me.

So I’m doing an assessment of what I would have done differently….I don’t like drinking 99% of alcohol drinks because they just taste nasty, so why in the heck was I drinking that strong, nasty tequila something just to have a drink in hand? I don’t mind a drink every now and then either, in good company and if it tastes good. Tea works just as great for me. In this company, I should have had the guts to say “NO” multiple times. No to the nasty drink, No to the nasty comment and No to boundaries crossed, No to any more time spent recklessly, No to bad company…period. I was soo saddened by myself thinking about it retrospectively. I need people in my life who have the same values, respect for each other, sensitive to the world around them, supportive of other ideas that do not involve the self, involved in service. Isn’t this the environment in which I should be spending most of my time, if I want to grow?

I saw a book with the title “Too busy Not to pray”, I think this says it well. I prayed and read the Bible this morning; I think that’s a start. I have to be accountable for the time I spend on this earth. I don’t want God to ask me wssup and I realize that I was completely self absorbed. I want my life to be meaningful. So I asked God for forgiveness, courage and wisdom…mostly wisdom, I think I need a good dose of that. Thank Heavens for a God who does not condemn but loves us despite ourselves.

WHY

2009-10-11T21:10:00.002-06:00

Why I’m I sinking all over again
Why I’m I crying all over again
Why do I have to go through this pain
Why the never-ending state of insane
Why is there no one to dry my tears
Why can’t I have an answer to my prayers
Why can’t I seem to ever get some peace
Why won’t all this madness cease
Why this loneliness Lord, please take it away
And in its place some courage for this day

Is it fall already?

2009-09-16T20:40:00.002-06:00

Yay!!! I'm in school...again, and I have to write not for fun but serious structured stuff. Not sure how well this will go down, but so far the stuff is interesting. Actually I'm understating it because I'm thoroughly in a not so surprising way enjoying school, I love learning about health etc and I feel like I'm in the right field. The work is another story especially taking Biostatistics and having to solve endless problems and derive equations....yuck, not really my strongest area. Actually I should be solving some of those now but I'm procrastinating since I kinda got lost in the class today and dreading having to go over all the unsolved x's and functions.

But I'm so thankful to God for how far I have come. I have to constantly remember to be thankful for what I have and not what I do not have or have not accomplished. After watching the Whitney Houston interview with Oprah two days in a row...and dang I'm suffering serious sleep deprivation for this, but I digress. She went through some rough stuff and Oprah was asking if she regrets..her answer was NO. I truly feel her on that. I have been through some crazy and mindblowing drama but somehow each of those experiences put in me something I know I would not possess by any other process. God has a way of doing things with us when we least expect it. I certainly don't wish my ish on anyone else so I'm asking God to help me be a good listener and be responsive to what he wants me to do. I've been making more compromises than I would want and doing things that I don't want to do and slacking on those I need to be doing. I want God to make me into the woman that he wants me to be and more than wanting, I feel God calling me to be the woman that he needs me to be, so I need to step it up and stop slacking.

A sigh and an Amen

2009-08-26T13:06:00.000-06:00

It seems nowadays that the only time I write is when I'm incredibly stressed out or something is going wrong. Well, Yes, I have a few things that need fixing. Before this very last straw I was overwhelmed with the work at school having my first classes, helping my son with homework, work etc. But yesterday, I had steam coming out of my ears when the after-school coordinator sent a note that I no longer had a spot since I did not make my payment on time.

Now, prior conversations with the principal had pointed out that there was a new system of after care since there were not enough spots and that we would receive information moving foward. The information that I got was that the 'informational' meeting was today but my son was kicked out yesterday for non-payment? Where do these people come from? I usually comb my son's folder of information as soon as he gets home from school. I did not have a single sheet of paper pointing out the fact that payment was due or what new system was in place but 'sorry, you have been put on the waiting list' is the response I'm getting from the school administration.
This is a load of crap and I'm pissed to the max. I'm so pissed I'm barely functional until I get this resolved.

Even my school work momentarily paled in comparison to this very minute yet important issue in my life.

I'm soo pissed because I know how unreasonable the principal can get, I dealt with this in an earlier post.

I'm trying to calm down and figure out what the best remedy is. Even in my anger, I have been praying, because some things can only be resolved by prayer and I'm so devoid of strength and mental energy right now that I need GOD to fight this one for me. Please Lord Jesus, I'm praying for a miracle for this seemingly small thing. I'm asking that as I speak to the principal, you will have already fought this one out for me today. Help me to be patient and rely on you for strength for today and tomorrow. Amen

this headache

2009-08-09T20:19:00.003-06:00

I have a headache and it's telling of what my life feels like right now. I'm overwhelmed by many decisions I have had to make recently and in just the past 24 hrs, I've gone from being a confident single mother to feeling like a failure and lacking a sense of direction. I can't even write, I will go to bed.
"You don't have to worry and don't you be afraid, joy comes in the morning, troubles may not last always, for there is a friend in Jesus, who will wipe your tears away and if your heart is broken, just lift your hands and say...I know that I can make it, with him I know I can stand, no matter what may come my way, my life is in his hands" Thank God for songs that make sense.

Six is for Smart

2009-08-05T08:40:00.004-06:00

We were driving from Target yesterday and my lil man kept whining about something being "badder and badder". We were both hungry and I knew we needed to get home and eat soon which would be the only way to squash the whine. I finally spoke and said " Honey, there is no such word as "badder" usually we say "worse" if something is getting "more bad". Didn't know how else to explain it. I wasn't prepared for this " Mommy you are not accepting that I speak different. I say badder and you need to accept the difference". Whaaaat! I just started laughing and he went on "Stop laughing Mommy, you need to be nice when people do things different and I speak different, I say badder". LOL. I wasn't gonna win this battle, but he got 10 points for standing up for himself. We'll tackle the english grammar at a later date. That made my day just thinking about it. That smart 6 yr old!

technologically challenged

2009-07-14T09:38:00.004-06:00

We had to print a large document and I told someone at the office to print to the copy machine instead of the personal printers (they make too much noise...and the toner issue of course) and they thought it was the best invention they have seen....since sliced bread? I thought I was bad. LOL

Kwaheri ya Kuonana

2009-06-30T22:11:00.004-06:00

There are times in your life that you meet someone or some people who will profoundly change you from the inside in. It's happened to me a few times, people who loved me and I loved them back, nurtured, taught, rebuked, laughed, tolerated, prayed with....then somehow we loose touch or I move or they move and that relationship is not as vibrant as it was.

I just did the goodbye thing to a family that means a lot to me. I'm totally heartbroken, and I don't cry easy but I did today, because they are just that cool, supportive, loving, intentional christians. What a blessing it has been to spend time with them. I wish I had come out of my cocoon earlier and experienced more of those cherised moments. I wish I had opened myself up more instead of being 'busy'. In the most amazing way God put them in our life and we created an effortless friendship. I hold on to dear friends being that I'm so far from home; my friends mean the world to me.

Kwaheri ya kuonana means "goodbye, I will see you again". It's just to a different city, probably 8 hours away if I were courageous enough or an hour on Southwest should the ding be favorable. This season of life has changed and I'm grateful for the gift of friendship. I'm still heartbroken.

RIP Uncle

2009-06-16T21:52:00.005-06:00

I got the dreaded call from my aunt. My uncle is no more, the cancer won. I feel like someone just put me in space and I'm floating, just floating going nowhere. I'm trying to feel what my aunt and my cousins are feeling right now; the pain of losing her husband, their dad, my uncle. I don't know what or how to, just like the rest of me, my mind is floating, not really fixed on anything.

I'm crying because it hurts. It hurts that he's gone, it hurts that I'm not there with my family, it hurts that I'm all alone in my apartment. I have to wake up tomorrow morning and go to work as 'usual'.

God I don't know how to deal with this one and I don't even know what to say to my aunt or cousins. I just texted them because there is nothing I could say that would make this better. Lord just take care of this one for me. I surrender. Thank you for the wonderful memories of my uncle. RIP uncle. I will miss you dearly.

some audacity......

2009-06-16T09:16:00.004-06:00

The phone rings, and the conversation goes, let's call him Mr X.

Mr. X: Lil man asked me if I was coming to his graduation party this Sunday, so of course I'm calling because I did not have any idea about it...so what is this about?

Silence.

Me: We'll, I don't know what to say, but a friend of mine thought it would be great to have a party for the graduating class and she's hosting it at her house.

Mr. X: We're you going to tell me about this? I have a gift for lil man I can drop it off at the party on Sunday.

Me: It's not really an open invitation, and certainly not a school function. I should probably have mentioned the get together but not at the top of my mind this week.

Mr. X: Lil man is getting caught up in a situation here. It's about what he wants not what you want. I don't see the problem here. You need to put aside your differences......bla bla bla lecture for 5 minutes. I'm I making sense?

Me(thinking and screaming in my head): SENSE! This conversation lacks sense from every angle.

Me(calm): I can put aside my differences for lil man. This is by no means a school function, just a couple friends getting together to celebrate their kids. We don't even do birthdays together so I'm not getting it. You can drop the gift off at my house but the party is off limits.

Bla bla lecture reminiscent of days I would like to forget goes on for 5 more minutes, threatening to show up at the party, I'm the unreasonable parent etc. This is the conversation I had this past weekend and one I will probably have for a good number of years to come. These types of days make me really really sad, deep down and they throw me back to those miserable times, falling into that dark abyss, but just for a minute or the minutes...and I'm upset that I didn't hang up earlier

Sigh.

I promised to stop asking the questions to which there will be no answers but they are still there. What in the world makes someone think that they can treat you like shit, make your life miserable, threaten, misuse, abuse, and then they have the audacity to pout that they don't get invited to YOUR party citing parental involvement? What nerve, what narcissim, what sickness, what madness?

There are days like these why I wonder why God let me go through this and I start to wish I could re-do my life. Then there are the wonderful moments when I reflect on how much I have gained from the terrible experience, and in no way else would I be the person I am now without having gone through this. Thank God that the audacity of hope and faith and love are much greater. A painful circumstance in our life has no power except that which we give it. Just like Jesus who was constantly bombarded with issues from men and women who had the audacity to discredit the son of God himself! When I'm overwhelmed by all the craziness in the world...or of that in my own little world, I'm comforted by Jesus' life and the fact that I have someone to go to who understands. Therein lies my audacity; in Christ alone.

Hebrews 13:6 So we say with confidence, the Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

WWJD

2009-06-10T09:48:00.000-06:00

Today at work I really need to be beside Jesus because there is a potential for me to get very nasty. I’m not usually the confrontational kind, in fact I rarely find the need to engage people who don’t make a lot of sense and want to create a situation out of nothing. But this woman at work has pushed every imaginable button and just when I think that we are done, she comes up with something more annoying. I am surprised how she can keep outdoing herself on being a total B*. Yes, I said it because no other word comes to mind.

She is not really a coworker…thankfully..but I have to see her every 6 weeks or so to work on a 5 year project..yes, 5 whole years!! Sigh. Being who she is, she has found time to be here 3 times in the last 4 weeks claiming to work on this project….arrrghh. From talking to her, she prefers working in our office because it saves her a 2 hour commute so she’s taken to torturing us so for this reason. Her presence is enough to make me want to take up Yoga seriously because I usually have to count to ten and take a deep breath before I can deal with her.

We never had a good beginning. She came in as a replacement for someone else, and trained with her manager for a while. Between the two of them, I don’t know who is feeding evil to whom. She was trying to prove something(to her boss) at first and so I let it slide. Every time she looked at something in the books that didn’t make sense she would launch into full attack mode immediately assuming that I had messed up and I would somehow end up on the defense even on issues that I didn’t need to be defending. Now it’s developed to the point where she is nitpicking on everything and driving ALL of us in the office crazy. As of 10 am this morning she has consulted me 3 times and all so unnecessary. One of them was that she needed to be shown how to make a double sided copy. She has been here a couple times making copies and double sided copies are not rocket science seeing that we have a copy machine with diagrams and all. So I left my important work cursing under my breath to show her to press the button that couldn’t be more self-explanatory. Talk about putting me in a bad mood and I have a whole day ahead of me! Even worse it’s taking a jab at all the great community virtues that I gassed up on over the weekend retreat.

My goal today is to put my Christian mode on full alert- as I should be all the time. I’m praying that I can be loving, patient and Christ like…like WWJD kind of thing. Really what would Jesus do in a situation like this?

May your will be done

2009-06-09T20:30:00.005-06:00

Today I received a phone call from my aunt whom I haven't spoken to in a while. My aunt and uncle live in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I was in Philly couple months ago and tried to figure out where they lived last minute and somehow it didn't work out. My uncle finished his ministry degree last summer and was headed back to Kenya when he fell ill. I have known my uncle has been sick for a while now..something with his bladder I was told, and he was receiving medical care.

See this wasn't just any type of phone call, it was my aunt letting me know that my uncle is probably going to die. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer and has been in treatment on and off. Two hours before my aunt called, the doctor had let them know that the tumors had spread to his brain.

How can you have a normal conversation under such circumstances? The conversation with my aunt was borderline mechanical with me fighting to be present enough to embrace the reality of what she was saying. I was going down a list of whys in my head. I was filled with so much guilt. I had been planning on calling them since the beginning of the year and could possibly have visited with them two months ago. Now my uncle is lying in the hospital unable to eat, speak or do anything for himself. My aunt was strong, she said that they were waiting on God. I tried to find all the right words to say, we spoke about my son as diversion and how grown he is. I said that I was sorry, for not calling, so sorry for not being there, sorry for all the heartache she is going through.

I kept myself from crying and pushed the emotions back to where they are tucked deep inside. What I'm holding back is deeper than just my uncle. If I start crying I will have to cry for my grandmother, for my cousin, for my aunt, all the people in my family I have lost while I'm this far away. All those that I'm yet to mourn, those that I somehow keep alive in my memories and it makes it as if they are not really gone. I have a coping mechanism, call it denial or what you may but it works. It has helped me get over the most extreme of my circumstances in this land of lonely. So for now I will not cry. I want to remember my uncle as the teacher, the gentle soul, balding head, gap in his smile, house on the edge of Nakuru town.

He is not in any pain and he seems at peace according to my aunt. I'm so grateful I got to speak with my aunt today. I however regret that I was lacking in the comfort she may need right now. I know God can work miracles, should we be praying for healing? At what point do we accept death as reality? I told her that we will pray for God's will and that is what I'm doing today. Even though I don't know what to pray for, it's comforting that I can surrender it to God and ask for his will to be done.

I am weak but He is strong

2009-06-07T19:48:00.004-06:00

God's unique way of moving and stirring people up for his own glory continually amazes me and I am really overwhelmed by the events of this weekend at the church retreat. My heart had been in a prayerful mode and I was very much expecting from God. I was really humbled by the opportunity to share something and in a way only God could make possible. Those sincere thoughts put on paper to express the deepest of emotions and the desire to connect with the church community could very well have been written by anyone in the congregation.

1 Cor 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world that he might put to shame them that are wise; and God chose the weak things of the world that he might put to shame the things that are strong".

Something that I thought was an emotional rant delivered by the most unlikely speaker, me, and yet when I read those thoughts I knew it was beyond me, that God had prepared this moment and ordained it for his people. God was abundant in that room of expectant hearts and minds. The thought of me sharing at a gathering like this unimaginable to me from every level, because I do not feel worthy of it, I'm afraid to speak in front of people and I certainly do not feel like a qualified christian, yet weak as I am, God let me know that I'm ok. That I can come into his presence and in the presence of his people just as I am for his own glory.

I'm so grateful for the leadership and friendship that pushes to create the best in us and in what God has planned.

Lord let this desire to pursue you only climb to greater heights. Let the community that you have created thrive and continue to grow all for your glory.

No Worries

2009-06-04T09:46:00.005-06:00

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus".

Phillipians 4:6-7

Going to be at a church retreat this weekend. I can't wait! I miss the outdoors, the sun, forests, water bodies, uniterrupted landscape. Hopefully will be a great time to unwind, pray and rejuvinate. Lots going on, my uncle is seriously ill with bladder cancer and chemo has really taken a toll on him...I'm in denial. I want to have great memories of my uncle whom I visited over my school breaks. I will have to keep Phillippians 4 in my mind. God please take away the pain that Uncle has, give him peace, heal him, let your will be done.

State of Mind, Matter of the Heart

2009-06-01T08:44:00.006-06:00

A bit of confusion, a bit of sadness
Why does it not make sense?
A bit apprehensive, about this madness
Trying to be simple but I end up tense
It was all supposed to be so harmless
But now I'm caught up so dense
my heart just wants some tenderness
should there be an expense
to that which leaves me breathless
with emotions so intense
at times searching in darkness
for a remedy to this nonsense
so called love, oh my goodness!

Replay

2009-05-26T11:26:00.004-06:00

The event usually develops as I throw the ball to my son and it probably hits the fence and does a 'cool' bounce. My son will then proceed to reenact what he the ball did totally like a replay. This has been going on for a couple months or at least the past year..time flies. When something good or cool happens, he wants it to repeat. Sometime its fun since it makes it predictable what he wants to do...like he loves it when sit on the stairs outside on a nice day and eat icecream or as I 'make him laugh'.... but other times it like 'ok already!' as he reenacts how the ball moved and bounced for the 10th time!

This just has to make you love kids. So for the past couple of months when its warm outside we come home and quickly change, then go outside and kick the ball to each other until we are tired or hungry. Most of the times we come up with something cool to do with a ball that we hadn't done before or to change things up we use different balls. I love it.

Aren't we all like kids, wishing the good things would keep repeating themselves? As I've been going through my twenties, those good things seem few and far in between. I sometimes sit and think of all the good things and I'm content but sometimes I wish opportunities that I ignored would reappear and thus my replay is skewed from that which my son enjoys because half the time is spent in regret of things I did or didn't do and wish I could change.

What if I didn't move from NYC, what if I didn't get married, what if I had really applied to Med school, what if I had moved to TX for school? I'm really trying to get better at my replay so I'm not consumed with what ifs, woulda coulda shoulda. Because I probably wouldn't have the friends I have here, the peace of mind...lets face it NYC was expensive, the career, the boyfriend. I'm praying for God to help me appreciate all the good things that have happened in my life and move on from here. I have so much potential and so much I would like to accomplish and more importantly be rooted in that God has a plan for my life and I'm not just sailing in the wind.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Is this criminal?

2009-05-20T20:58:00.006-06:00

Yes, I'm a self-confessed 'Criminal Minds' addict or any criminal show for that matter. This year I chose to minimize my exposure by watching one or two a week and its been a very worth hour of my time on Wednesday....and today's TWO hour show was so totally off the hook!! That show is genius, at least the writing is. They just have a way of explaining a criminal's mind, keeping you engaged and the philosophical quotes at the beginning and end..not to mention the medical mysteries..totally love the Doc in this show and Sherman Moore is totally representing!
I had to run some errands today and I was way out at 7.30pm when I realized that I might miss this show and stopped what I was doing to drive home, grocery shopping can wait!

Now that I've had my TV 'high' for the week, its time for me to confess, I wish this was something spectacular that I was so excited about. I wish I was feeling good about making someones day better, helping someone, praying for someone, praying for myself, reading the bible for an hour... sigh. It feels a bit criminal to get so excited about a show but for now it makes Wednesday nights great.

Organically Speaking

2009-05-13T12:28:00.007-06:00

I am one of those people who if not busy freak out that there is something they should be doing. The workload in the office has been up and down lately and when its down, it gets me down. I cannot seem to get through even the little that there is. I'm not good at taking advantage of this time either...reading books, watching or youtubing (come to think of it I could have watched the Amazing Race episodes that I missed), I just have a very active conscience. I want to do work when I'm at work. I want to advance, learn more, gain more knowledge, heck get paid more. For that reason, I believe that if there is no work to be done, I should just stay at home and find something more meaningful to do with my time as I see fit instead of being confined to the office.

So I'm in that zone where I wonder if this is the right fit for me. Granted I'm going to be very busy in a couple weeks, but in the now, I'm feeling like I'm wasting precious time. I have tried to be as productive on the homefront, picking my son up early from school so we can have more time together but this does not eliminate my need for a challenge. I need to be solving some global problems somewhere, creating health programs that work, educating people on their health, helping provide access, monitoring research and creating effective patient flow in hospitals. and I will once I'm done with this degree in 3 years..sigh. I'm wondering how I can push myself to get it done sooner.

I have also been thinking that God created this time for me on purpose. Because I'm very prone to being very busy and driven that I can forget to pray, read the Bible and just plain out listen to him. So I have been talking to God and searching him a lot in this time period. I even listen to Moody radio...which I had quit for while which is a whole other post. I feel the need to fill my time meditating. Being that I'm Christian I should have been doing these things all along but I dropped the ball somewhere and was just getting by with Sunday morning services.

I came across the blog of a surgeon http://heal-thyself.blogspot.com/ volunteering at my local hospital back home. I'm awed not only by the stories, his commitment but also God's way of using us when we show up for what he needs us to do. He didn't have to do this, he could be making tons of money in the US but he felt the need and trusted God to provide (yes he had to raise $ to support this cause) because it was the only thing to do. While this makes me want to be a surgeon solving complex medical problems, I know God has something in store for ME and he needs me to show up. So I'm listening and searching, going back to the basics being organic in my pursuit of God.

Organic has numerous meanings, 'natural', 'associated with living organisms', 'constitutional in the structure of something'.

I was browsing the web I ran into a quote from Margaret Feinbergs "The Organic God" which sums it all up.

“But as I practice the art of listening to God, I am discovering that He is surprisingly talkative even in the silence. Prayers are not going unanswered as much as He is responding in unexpected ways. Listening to God’s voice requires more than just my ears; it requires my eyes, my mind, my spirit, my entire being to recognize the God-nudges in life. His voice is found in the wisdom of friends and spiritual leaders. He whispers through dreams and visions and abundant provision. He speaks through both conscience and conviction and an undeniable sense that some thoughts are more like God-thoughts than my own. He even speaks in the silence. In the process, I find myself both enticed and intrigued by Him. I find myself hanging on every word. God’s voice becomes the only voice I want to hear.”

Mothers Day

2009-05-10T20:43:00.003-06:00

We were playing catch today and my son randomly told me that I was the best Mom that he has ever had... He went on to say that I make him laugh and he likes that. I wanted to cry because that was soo sweet. I forgot about all the hard mom days today, what a gift it is to be a mother. I'm so blessed!

service

2009-05-07T08:02:00.005-06:00

I woke up extra early this morning. I was going to drive 4 kids to school including mine and I didn't want to be the one lagging behind. However insignificant that action is, it made me feel like I'm part of something larger. I get so consumed with my life and my son's all week and it was great to be of service to my friend when she needed it. It made me feel like my week was useful because I did something of benefit outside of myself.

Imagine how enriched my life would be if I would seek out more opportunities to serve-my friends and community in Chicago. Then I would never really have time to 'mourn' about all that is lacking in my life. Sure I would prefer to be serving at home where needs are many, with my family close by, but this is where God has put me right now. I need to get with the program.

The best way to find yourself is to loose yourself in the service of others. Mahatma Gandhi

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

trusting

2009-05-06T13:38:00.004-06:00

When I started this blog, it was a place of healing that was important for me to make sense of who I was and where I was going. I've now realized how therapeutic writing is to me and when I'm feeling overwhelmed, happy, sad etc I write; on a word document, journal and sometimes it makes it here. I've really grown as a person and most importantly, I clearly see God's imprint on my life and why he allowed me to go through some very difficult situations.

Alas I'm not done growing. Most recently I've just been sensing God letting me know that he has a plan for me that's bigger than I. It sounds weird but I feel God's nudging for me to 'wake' up and be an intentional christian, pursue him earnestly and have faith. I say wake up because lately I've been preoccupied with how 'I' can change my life. I switched jobs, going back to school and feeling good about myself for doing these things. God is telling me that it is not about me. It's about him and I need to put him first and everything else will come together.

God knows my passion for making a difference in people anyway I can through knowledge, science, healthcare. I'm struggling right now because even though I work in the clinical realm of things, I still feel like I'm not doing what I need to be doing. I'm trusting God that as I start this public health degree, that he will open the doors and windows that I need and may his will be done in that process. I'm taking up a global concentration, which means doing an internship abroad(Kenya of course!). I need God to work out the logistics of that experience since I'm still working full time. I have a dream to work globally not only in Kenya but especially in Kenya. There are just so many opportunities and needs to be met. I could probably start at home in the local community hospital that largely shaped my career path. I've also realized the opportunities to serve right here in Chicago and praying God that I do not get pre-occupied planning my exit that I miss what it is he wants me to do here.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5

"God can't give us peace and happiness apart from himself because there is no such thing." C.S.Lewis

Random Monday

2009-05-04T08:59:00.003-06:00

I've been kind of random lately.

I wish I didn't have to work today so I could sit in the sun. I love the sun, beats me why I live in Chicago.

I want to fly a kite, I discovered I could this past weekend and it was so much fun.

I discovered that some people in our church live on our street. I'm hoping they are the 'cool' neighbors who don't mind knocking on my door if they are walking past. I miss that.

I want to have a whole bunch of people in my house all the time because that makes me happy. If I could have a big family I would. That is how I grew up, there were always people in the house. If it wasn't my 3 siblings, there would be my cousins, aunts, neighbors, friends, friends of friends, people walking about who popped in, our househelp...the list is endless. If it ever happened that the house was empty and wanted company, you could walk into any of the above listed homes or compounds and have a good time.

Life is complicated.

My phone is sooo old and looks sooo dated. I don't care, I really don't so long as it works.

I'm too hard on myself. I'm slowly learning to let go.

Something that I was freaking out about (at work) just resolved miraculously. I should trust more, pray more and have faith that all things work out for good. Thank you Jesus!

I have the best boyfriend in the world. I think I'm extra hard on him as I continue to work on myself. I don't acknowledge his presence in my life as much as I should but he has been so supportive the last 1.5 years of our time together. I love him dearly.

My boss asked what I did this weekend and I replied " I flew a kite". LOL. She understands I have a child.

flying

2009-04-24T21:59:00.005-06:00

I was flying again this week. For the past couple years, for some odd reason, I have become such a nervous wreck when I fly. I have vowed to practice my yoga breathing, having gone to one such class the night before. Being that the flight was to White Plains, NY made my anxiety even worse with chances that it would be a small jet, and sure enough. One of those where if you put both your arms straight out you could touch each window. I haven't flown in one of these since college and I surely don't remember it being this small. From my recent experience, the smaller the jets, the crazier the turbulence, or do I just make this up in my head? I had bought the "Essence Magazine". What better way to occupy my time than to read about Michelle Obama and her mom who are on the front cover? No it didn't work, my stomach 'dropped' during takeoff and I nervously clutched the armrest while pretending that I was perfectly ok. I kept reading nonetheless.

Once we were way up, I kept thinking about what I would do if something went wrong with the plane. Of all things to think about! Either my head is playing games or I'm playing games with myself. I checked the nearby exit again, had paid attention to the emergency exit instructions. I started to think about my son, thinking this is why people make wills, because I don't want any of my money to go to the government, then I started to think about my faith and wondering if I was losing the point of all of this. The reality is that I am a control freak and up here I feel totally powerless. But it may just be that I'm unwilling to surrender, not just when I fly but to the things in my life, to give them to God because that is all I can do.

I moved into my plan of action which was to take deep breaths. It worked for sometime because my stomach stopped tightening. I started to read my book and everything seemed normal for the most part of the journey until the last 20 or so minutes of descent. We were flying over a body of water and for some reason the ride became extra 'bumpy'. I could swear the pilot was having a bit of fun because this jet was tilting from side to side and all the calm went out the window..or somewhere in the the plane far from me because I started to tighten up again and think too much ...."What were those passengers who landed on the Hudson thinking as the pilot told them that they would be going down? Would be ok to take my purse with me in an evacuation? Bizarre I know, but replacing all those items in there...lets start with the Drivers License...DMV hello? Who wants to go there. Damn it, I should have only carried one credit card and not three. Thank God I did not carry my Green Card, because that would be the biggest pain.My glasses, I love those rims and don't want to have to pick out another design. My toiletries are so special, don't want to replace those. I think I can get away with carrying my phone. But then again it would give me an excuse to get that blackberry. How could I forget, I would absolutely positively have to carry my keys. I have my whole set of keys including the only key to my car. Yes, I would only carry my purse. I would have to leave the carry on. My favorite pair of shoes in there. Oh gosh, I'm so vain!" Yes for a split second I thought all that and amused myself somewhat. I prayed again. This time I confessed my anxiety as hinderance to my faith and realized that this is not something I only do up in the air, but some habit bourne out of desperately trying to control my situation, career, parenting, love life. I really prayed that God would help me identify these situations when they arise, to nip it in the bud, not letting it spiral into some tornado.

The flight back followed the same scenario somewhat but even more turbulent so I prayed, read and tried to sleep. I really needed to use the bathroom in the last stretch of the flight and it happened to be when it became most turbulent and the seat-belt sign came on. I figured I would dash in real quick to the stall. It was a total balancing act in the bathroom and kind of funny when I stopped thinking that I was in a plane. It was like being on those kid bounce things where you get thrown side to side. For some reason thinking about it this way, and actually laughing it out eliminated my anxiety...totally. I balanced back to my seat and we landed safe and sound. I hope I'm 'cured' but I won't know until next time.

2009-04-21T08:04:00.003-06:00

This weekend was a reminder of how fragile and short life is. To live to the fullest, love to the fullest while we can.

I lost my aunt this past weekend. But she was more than just my aunt, she was the mother of all, being married to the oldest sibling from my dad's side of the family. Even though I never spent much time taking or listening to her in my growing up years, I surprisingly had more of a connection in the last 10 years when I have been away from home. She was supportive of my decision to end my marriage, which came as a surprise to me, because she listened to me, asked for my opinions and then let me know that everything was going to be ok. That was four years ago. I saw her last in December during her son's wedding. She had been so busy planning I barely got time to visit with her. I had plans work with her when I finally return home, in the health clinic that they started, but I never mentioned it. I will remember her as a strong woman who held her family together despite many obstacles. They were married 50 years.

I didn't cry because for some reason I couldn't. Later in the day my sister sent me a text saying that my parents and brother had been involved in an accident. From her words I could tell she was trying to keep it calm so I do not panic. It worked for a couple of hours, again in denial mode. During bedtime, I told my son that we would pray for my brother because he had been injured in an accident. He surprised me by busting into tears that his uncle was hurt. He is only 6 and I felt bad that maybe I hadn't communicated it in child-appropriated language.

That is when it hit me and I cried. I hadn't cried in a long time so I cried all the tears from missing my parents, to being overwhelmed with work and now school to the anxiety from what I did not know. I called home and my mother assured me that God had been all that in that accident. No one was hurt except for my brother who injured his nose but was treated and discharged. Considering it was a head on collision, God is great.

Thank you God for reminding me of your grace, power, love in this difficult moment.

Days like these..

2009-03-27T10:30:00.002-06:00

I miss home and that is an understatement. There are many times in my stay far away when it hurts at how far I am. Days like today I just want someone else to take over. I don't want to be it anymore, I would just like someone else to make the decisions, worry about my son's school, health, someone else to worry about my car, my school. Some days like these I don't want to be grown up. I wish I could pack up all my shit and move into my parents home for a couple months and not have to think literally.
I'm not depressed, I've been there, maybe lonely and a bit overwhelmed by my life. This is a paradox because my life is going relatively well. I've just been accepted into my master's program, got financial aid, my son is in a great school, I have a man who loves and supports me. Then there is the everyday stuff, like my car maintenance light comes on and I know I need to make an appointment to get it checked, and I worry it might be more than an oil change. My son has a cavity and needs it filled and I have to find a good pediatric dentist and decide the appropriate meds during the procedure, nitrous oxide, local anesthesia, not to mention the cost, argh, it hurts my head thinking about it. Then there is school, which I'm excited about but I have to pick classes, decide how many to take, go for orientation...How about the upcoming springbreak, what are we going to do to make it fun? I wanted to travel but tickets are too dang expensive. Some days I wish I didn't have so many decisions resting on me, I need a way to outsource...lol. Maybe I just a good cup of tea and mandazi and life will be good again with lots of company, with my family..oh I miss them.

Happy New Year to me!

2009-01-27T15:45:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe it's already end of January. I haven't blogged about my life, I guess it's easier to write when things are going wrong? I have had so many things going on in my head that I want to put down..my life has been so awesome, so blessed that I'm overwhelmed.

After being so anxious about not being able to go home for Christmas, it happened, God is soo good. I didn't have the money for it in August and I was depressed but God had it planned and it happened.

I loved loved every waking moment I spent at home. My parents, two brothers and sister were home on almost daily basis and I basked in that space, I felt so safe, so content. I was content on waking up to the sun, eating and having just regular conversation. So long as the people I loved were around me, I was fine. Did I say I love being home, life is so carefree, something that my son discovered. He could walk to the neighbor's house unattended, play for a while, walk to my aunts house, take a walk with his uncle. He was no longer solely dependent on me. He had a family, literally a village to spend time with. Sometimes I wonder if I missed this...the opportunity to give him that simplicity of life. I think about it often, but then that might have meant being away from him. I don't know. I know he loved it there and cried hard when we had to leave. Now it's just me and him and sometimes we get tired of each other.

My siblings have matured, they have lives of their own, they are such good 'kids' and I'm so proud of them. I wish I could see them everyday, really. My parents still the same, I may disagree with them on some issues but I love then dearly. They are loving, compassionate and spend a great deal of time and money helping other people. I love that about them.

I'm back to work, I really like this place, it really is very nurturing and I work with some phenomenal people. My bosses are great. When I work, I give it 110% like it's my business. I think that is how it should be.I'm in a great relationship, I feel more than I even want to reveal to myself.

I threw my son a great bowling party, he turned 6. My friends spoiled him rotten. He knows he's loved.

I'm blessed, so blessed I could write a book about it. I'm grateful and I'm looking for ways to pass it forward.

the holidays are not scary this year...

2008-11-26T11:02:00.004-06:00

I have so much to be thankful for and not in a cliche type of way..in a its a miracle, unbelievable type of way. Two years from the date I was so hopeless, I sat in my house on thanksgiving day and cried. Last year, I ventured out feeling hopeful and this year, I have no words. I have an abundance of peace, love, friends and resources. Sometimes I wonder why God just lets us stay struggling when he is capable of doing. But in retrospect, that is what it took to let me know how much he is capable. I was down and under and he has lifted me up. If I wasn't at the bottom, I would not appreciate what it feels like to be right here. My God has done his thing. I get to see my family in less than two weeks and I am beside myself because I miss them so much. Sure there are lots of things I could worry about, I'm taking lots of unpaid time in this economy, the school has threatened that my son is taking too much time off. Seriously, for a smart kid in Kindergarten and that ish about being away for 2 wks. I digress for this just irks me. See my God worked out all the details so I will not let some nonsense distract me from this happy moment. He provided the finances, the time, the accomodating work schedule, accomodating legal matters, it was like a jigsaw puzzle that had to come together at exactly the right time. So I'm praying, believing and basking in the goodness of him.

Who am I?

2008-11-14T10:27:00.003-06:00

I was raised in a conservative christian home.
I'm the oldest of four.
I wanted to be a doctor and got good grades to get there.
I then realized it was more my parent's dream.
My dream is to make a difference in people's health.
I'm yet to start my degree to accomplish that.
It will take two years.
I love my job now.
I have been married.
I am divorced.
I survived domestic abuse.
I am a mom.
I love it.
I hate that I'm so far from my family.
I don't like the cold.
I love being with people.
I like to dance.
I am a Christian.
I surrender to no one but God.
I have a strong dislike for people who use Christianity/Religion for selfish reasons;political, ethical etc.
I can't stand phony people.
I supported Obama.
I believe in love.
I fight for justice.
I wish we would all just get along.
I have more questions sometimes than I do answers.
I love spending time with friends.
I like cooking.
I am an organic food freak.
I spend too much on food.
I would like to exercise more.
I want to run a marathon.
I would like to read more.
I like fashion.
I don't believe in spending a lot of money to look good.
I am a minimalist.
I would like to be a designer.
I would like to be a DJ
I love music.
I am shy.
I am bold.
I live.
I laugh.
I dream.
I believe.
I conquer.
I am set free above all and that is enough.

You've got to pray............

2008-08-26T21:44:00.002-06:00

If there is one positive thing about the madness that sometimes exists in my life, its that it keeps me praying. Because most days that is ALL I can do...PRAY. I have to say it works and it's less stressful. One year post divorce and I'm finally cutting the final cord, the jointly owned car has now been refinanced at a 1% lower interest rate than I'm currently paying. Some things you just know when God has a hand it in like this one.

I have a new job, quiting my old one after only a year because I was miserable. I believe you can work and be happy so despite the grim economy, my God provided.

I'm truly blessed. I'm happy. I'm surrounded by many wonderful friends who constantly remind me that there is more to life. I get sad though, more than ever nowadays because I miss my family. There have been many days this year when all I have wanted is to just sit and talk to my mom or get a hug from her, hang out with my siblings and enjoy being grown up and watch my dad playing with my son...all that priceless. I think I have to put prayer if full gear because by faith I'm going home for Christmas! Yes, I'm affirming it because I know my God is able.

My prayer now is to be a good mom, find some balance as my son goes through Kindergarten, some patience because God knows they can kill you with all that homework they give. Giving advice to a 5 year old is like talking to a brick wall because they seriously think they are grown up and can figure it out...lol.

Thank you Lord, I made it.

2008-07-25T08:25:00.004-06:00

It's amazing what difference time can make. It's amazing the great things God can do in your life. My life is a true testament of how God can change things around in such a mighty way! Two years ago, I was desperate, lost my marriage, was in bad shape money wise, made very little money to support myself and my son. I prayed earnestly, if only I could make X dollars my life would be so much better. I wanted it then, but God had a different plan. It's like I was walking around in the desert and I didn't like it. It hurt and I felt that after all the suffering, I deserved better. God has taught me patience, I'm still learning but two years later, I am making the X dollars I asked God for and more in such a miraculous way!

Do not ever doubt what God can do in your life. Trust him fully and you will experience that he is all you need. I'm still in awe of how God came through for me. I start a new job and essentially a new life. I'm taking 2.5 weeks of vacation, I figured I should, I haven't taken vacay in three years because I always cashed it out. The Bible is not playing when it states that if we pray and call unto God, he will answer our prayers. Pray, ask other people to pray for you, I believe that the prayers of my parents and other people have probably taken me further than my own because I was so distressed, inconsistent and sometimes not believing, but God hears them all. He has answered my prayers yet again!

the times of my life

2008-04-05T21:15:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if my life will ever be different or will forever be haunted by my past, if I will ever be independent of the decisions that I made when I was naïve and didn’t know better, If one day I can sit and not think of the why. Will it just ever be a move forward, a new chapter, the old one forgotten and insignificant?

Sometimes I cry thinking of the hardships I have had to endure the past few years. They cut to the essence of my being, completely tore me apart, left me vulnerable, rock bottom.

Sometimes I imagine how things would have been different. If I would have made it big, If I would be living elsewhere, if I would have gone back home, if I would be happy?

Most times nowadays I’m amazed at how far I have come, how much I have grown, how many people have been by side, how God can do amazing things.

Most times I hate to imagine that I would be living elsewhere, not knowing the people I know now, not knowing the love that surrounds me, not being the confident woman I am.

At all times, I am thankful for the lessons learned, the friendships formed, the knowledge and experience of being downright hopeless and gaining courage to rise to a better day.

The devil is real y'all

2008-02-11T11:06:00.000-06:00

I have resigned myself to the fact that there are things and people in this world that I will never understand, will never make sense and I will never figure out. I just haven't been able to write when I read about all the bloodshed in my beloved country and that nasty word..hacking. I will probably write about all my thoughts later. I have my devil to face close to home. Pretty strong word but pretty fitting description.

I started this blog because it reminded me that I'm free to be the person I am and not whom this person who abused me wanted to be. It lets me document how I feel and let steam out in a positive manner. It lets me tell my story so that some other person who may be in the same situation does not feel like they are alone and give hope that things can really change.

I really don't care if my ex ever finds this blog, I would present it to him if I thought it would be helpful to read all the unbelievable stuff he has put us through. He will deny this of course because in some twisted way, he doesn’t see things the same way, in fact he feels like I owe him an apology and a whole lot more.

These past 2 weekends I revived all those bitter memories of control and abuse. I have come a long way because it’s Monday and even though I may feel afraid, I don't feel powerless.

The story is so petty that even when I share it, I try not to demonize this person because he is the father of my son yet the actions and words just speak for themselves.

The story: I am attempting to fix a huge dent in my car left by an accident almost 2 years ago right after my separation. I could not afford the deductible and since my car was driving fine, this was the last thing on list. I am finally able to put this on my list and get this done. I had the insurance company write the check, I got the fabulous rental car and then some part of hell broke loose.

My ex called me bright and early demanding to know why he was not informed that I was fixing my car, in a check written out in his name. Now, he was the insured, I was the driver and now sole owner of the car. The check written out to the body shop, myself and the ex.

Apparently he had called the insurance company and ‘talked’ to the agent handling my case, called the body shop and gave an earful to the owner claiming he would sue him for fraud if he cashed the check.

My ex gave me an earful and I decided to listen and even apologize(this was low). He agreed to sign the check after he had prayed about this ‘issue’ numerous times and even presented it to his bible study group. Makes me wonder if there is some cult business going on somewhere….

After a whole lot of stuff that I didn’t need to hear, he agreed to sign the check, I took it to his house. He met me outside with a bible in hand. He opened the car door and sat next to me in the passenger seat. I would have preferred another arrangement like sign the check through the window and a goodbye. He read some bible verses, one being not repaying evil with evil. According to him, I went behind his back on this ‘issue’, got the check issued and now was using him to help myself. God!!!!!!! He eventually signed the check, but he made the conclusion that I was not ‘getting it’. By this point, I’m pretty sure my blood pressure was dangerously high because I fear this him even though I try to act cool. So when he made the sudden move to reach for his phone, I grabbed my phone and jumped out of the car. This was just his breaking point. He went crazy claiming I was using him and that I just wanted to call the cops and was acting scared just to put him in trouble. He called his prayer partner…yes, true it is and explained how I was using him. I was not getting how I had deceived him so he took he check back claiming he wanted to sign the date on it…why?? Well, only in my weirdest imagination would I have thought that he was going to cross his name out, throw the check back at me and walk away. Yes, he crossed his name out, threw the check at me and walked away. Disbelief, anger, regret, fear, all the emotions I felt in this moment.. Only my faith in God rescued me from sinking deep into an abyss of despair.That man was walking back to take care of my son. I sped out of there shaken and in a complete vaccum.

The smirk on his face was like staring at the devil. I've been here before. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. So to summarize this bizarre incident, the ex has gone completely out of his way to make sure I don’t get my car fixed, he doesn’t benefit in the least type of way and neither do I except my car will look and function better but is still willing to harass a number of people and use the bible to 'teach' me a lesson. So in his perfect world, I should have called him when I decided to fix my car, inform him of all my plans, invite him to dinner and ask him politely to sign the check. hmmph. I cannot believe I am spending this amount of time on some BS like this. I will update as I have the strength.

Sad Sad Sad

2008-01-04T10:49:00.000-06:00

I have been trying to write a post several times and each time I can't put into words the horror that is happening in my beloved country. I am blessed because I have called my family on a daily basis sometimes more than once a day to find out how things are and if they are ok. They are ok, but we have scores of relatives, friends and people that are not. It was my b-day yesterday and I was glued to the screen trying to figure out what was going on. In the past week I have thought about the lives of those suffering, those killed, it really breaks my heart in so many ways. The stories of mothers watching their kids burn, their husbands hacked. How are these individuals ever supposed to recover with nowhere to start, no support whatsoever?? I refrain from discussing the political situation. I really just emphathise with the everyday common man/woman who has and will suffer just so tremendously. It's senseless, its brutal, lacking in thought, full of self-hatred....the story below was just too much.
http://kenyanemergency.wordpress.com/2008/01/03/we-told-them-to-come-out-of-the-church-but-they-locked-the-door-so-we-burned-them/

I just don't know anymore.

some niceness..

2007-10-30T13:44:00.000-06:00

I met a nice person yesterday, for lack of a better description. I just haven’t ran into a complete stranger who responded like this person did. Scene: the bathroom. My son had bumped into another kid at the birthday party and was bleeding from digging his tooth on his lip. He was in shock because he could see all the blood coming out and he kept spitting saliva and blood. So I was trying to be comforting in the bathroom, ignoring other users and trying to clean up my son’s mouth making sure he did not have a more serious injury. This lady, while washing her hands, noted my predicament and offered to get some ice if I needed it. A minute later she was back with a cup of ice and she had asked the restaurant staff for a waterproof cloth so I could put the ice in it. I was happy that someone had been so thoughtful and it helped ease my son’s pain and bleeding. She actually stood with me for the next 5 or so minutes in the bathroom, getting tissues and waiting for the bleeding to subside. She was so helpful and so good at reassuring my son that he would be ok. After my son was feeling better she introduced herself and happened to be one of the host’s friends. I had seen her earlier but she was sited at a different table, she also asked if we would join them since they now had more space at their table. If you have been to one of these parties, you know they can be pretty hectic, loud and full of hyperactive kids.
What I thought would be just another birthday party for my son to enjoy turned out to be quite the enjoyable evening for all where I met some pretty cool people. The lady at the bathroom; she works with kids, counseling, what a fitting career! Even more, the group I met attends a church that I have been contemplating visiting and now I will.

my truth

2007-10-18T10:38:00.000-06:00

The journey toward our beauty is a magnificent struggle. Achieving an integrity between what we believe and how we live is a challenge worthy of the gift of life. A thousand obstacles stand between our selves and the honoring of our truth. A thousand distractions. A thousand ego-generated delusions. The quality of our life depends on how we confront those obstacles. That is what Joseph Campbell described as the hero's journey -- the journey towards our greater self. That journey takes so much courage. That journey fascinates me. To dive down, find the beauty, nurture it and offer it to the world is magnificent. The more unique what you have to offer is, the more indifferent the world is likely to be for a long, long time. Staying with your beauty, your truth, your integrity is difficult, but out of these things comes meaning, and meaning is all-transcendent.
– Rod MacIver, HERON DANCE Journal
Notes, Issue 19

I'm pondering the thoughts above, because in the past years and at present I have had to examine what I really believe in and balance it with how I really live. I'm disappointed sometimes at how hard it is to find this balance. That I believe strongly in a lot of things that I don't execute or don't execute to the degree that I consider necessary. I really want my actions to match my faith. And why is it so difficult to do what I really want to do? I think Paul in the Bible had the same dilemma. My dilemma is that I'm still weeding out trying to differentiate and redefine my truth, not according to my family or my religious upbringing but coming from a place where I understand who I am, why I do what I do and embracing that with pure clarity to free my movement forward.

some bs is going on

2007-10-11T14:31:00.001-06:00

How can one day start so filled with love and crash with a midday email so reminiscent of hate? Why do both good and bad have to coexist? The hell with balance and all the nature laws. Someone is trying to fuck with me and fuck with my future and I'm pissed!I have tried to be patient, no as a matter of fact I have been very patient. I thought I had already won the battle but in a manner that can just be described as plain malicious, they are always trying to find a way to get to me and if that wasn't enough play it off like they are a friend and (drum roll)...fellow christian!! I have had enough of this BS. I just needed to vent. Thats all. I think I'm going to be ok.

I feel loved

2007-10-11T14:03:00.000-06:00

A thousand words could never express
this feeling
this comfort
this assurance

You have changed my world in excess
of my imagination
my expectations
my dreams

I cherish the friendship we possess
that nurtures
that’s honest
that’s real

So I’m writing to confess
my love
my happiness
my contentment

when I’m with you and even
when you’re not near

I feel absolutely loved

Smell the roses

2007-09-17T09:54:00.000-06:00

While I have been on hiatus from the blog, I have taken it upon myself to enjoy my surroundings. I don’t think I can say enough of how gorgeous the windy city is in the summer time. I have lived in the Chi for almost 4 years and just this summer I was taken by how beautiful the lakefront is, how much there is to do, I have attended countless amazing performances most of them free. Talk about not taking time to smell the roses, where have I been for 3 years? Just thinking about it makes me shiver, that a person can exist yet not be present. Wow. All of this was here before, yet I feel like I’m experiencing it for the first time. I was so preoccupied with the craziness of my life that it clouded my vision in more ways than one.

Please take the time to smell the roses today. Leave the crazy in your life to be just that and celebrate the beauty in your life.

I'm back

2007-09-13T13:52:00.000-06:00

I could try and put in words what I’m feeling right now, but I doubt any would work. My mom always said that a change is as good as a rest. She was right. Even though I took a mini vacation after quitting my previous position, nothing compares to the satisfaction I get from being at my current one.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s busy, very busy. I just swallow my lunch most days. There is always stuff to do, meetings to go to, fires to put out. I feel important here, like I’m given the opportunity to use my brain, figure stuff out. It’s been scary but it’s also pushed me to the next level, where I doubted my abilities, I’ve been able to prove myself wrong and just as importantly, I am improving on areas where I suck. I’m glad my boss feels like they can rely on me. In the past just 3 weeks I’ve conducted meetings, updated clients on projects, done presentations for clients, I was given the liberty to design a newsletter.. I am loving this! All my fears about it being rigid and the commute and new co-workers and..all past tense. It’s amazing how we can push ourselves in a corner. I’m glad I didn’t stay there.
Ok, so it’s just not my job that is making me happy. I feel like my life finally took off from a year of fear and unknown to greatness. A lot of good things have happened this summer. I sometimes have to pinch myself just to make sure that I’m not dreaming. My family was struggling to finish up a project and they finally did. My lil man is so grown up, he cracks me up everyday. I’m surrounded by such loving people. The weather has been great. Can you say bbqs ! Just going to the lake and looking at the water gives me so much to be thankful for. And… drum roll…I have met an exceptional and phenomenal man. Yes, he is all that. I feel very blessed. I don’t feel rushed. I don’t feel the pressure. I am very sure of myself. I am myself. I feel loved. What more could I ask for? This is a true testament as to how God works, and for all who are struggling that things do turn around. Like Yolanda Adams would say, “If he did it for me, he can do it for you”.

Time to change

2007-08-01T14:57:00.000-06:00

These past few weeks have been really hectic. I interviewed for two jobs, I made time for many friendships,I fell in love with being a mom all over again, I started playing soccer again, I realized I liked someone a lot and I don't know what to do with it, I got the job I wanted, I resigned at my old job and now with one and half weeks to go I have piles and piles of work waiting to go.

I'm feeling ecstatic, scared and a tad confused.

I thought I liked change but this is throwing me in some form of panic. I have to change my commute, my work environment, give up my office space, probably wake up earlier...arrgghh. I know the change is good but I guess I'm starting to second guess myself which I know is unwarranted. It's funny because I clicked on some of my favourite bloggers' pages and both talked about coming out of the comfort zone and pushing to achieve. I was like wow, God has a cool way of delivering the message. I guess he knows I read these blogs so he sneaked that message in and it made me feel better.

I know this is such a great opportunity, challenging and compensation is way better. I know I have been ready for change for a long time. I will be sad to leave my work family (literally) but I'm sooo excited to be somewhere different. I definitely feel the blessing. I'm happy for both my baby and I because it's a new phase in our lives. I'm happy that I'm leaving my comfort zone and I know without a doubt that I will excel not only at my new work place but in my life overall. I can feel God blowing my mind with what he is capable of.

I have been listening to Yolanda Adams, Mountain High, Valley Low. That album has taken me through everything. In the midst of it all, he kept me. I have nothing but praise for him who's able to do it all.

The names you call

2007-07-09T13:25:00.000-06:00

Is it possible that it blows my mind
Every time you disrespect
And names to call somehow find
Despite the disconnect

It makes no difference if I am kind
Or if I am correct
You spew bile and feel so inclined
My emotions to affect

To your insults, I am no longer blind
How dare your insecurities project
By names you call, I will not be defined
My integrity will protect

Make no mistake you will not keep me behind
I sit and reflect
On God’s plan refined
It is more than I could expect

Even though our lives are entwined
I know better than you suspect
I am a woman greatly designed
To a higher calling more perfect

Than in the names you call

I do hate drama

2007-07-03T12:46:00.000-06:00

They say that hate is the emotion you have when you have some form of attachment to the other person. They say that indifference is simply not caring. Well, I really don’t care for this person and at the same time I feel so much hatred towards them. It is just so hard to move on sometimes when your lives are so intertwined and every now and then, I quiver at the thought of putting up with this for years to come. They just never stop with the bullshit. It’s actually possible for a person to brew madness, hop around it, drink it and attempt to share it. You think every now and then, they get tired but NOOO! I guess if they don’t know they are drinking and spewing poison that is ruining them, they cannot stop. In fact they think they are brewing quite the nice concoction so they attempt to convince you that you are the one who is indeed mad…WHAAT!! I don’t think I ever quite got the real meaning of wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing up until this point. This is not even a wolf, more like a menacing lion that hasn’t been fed in a while trying to act like sheep. It shows but yet they continue to parade around like one who wants to be a friend….even a lover…I shriek at this thought ,I would even tear my clothes and put on some ashes never to be. This is my world some days. The madness that doesn’t have to be yet it is there. Why can’t we all just live in peace, love and TRUTH?

Love at first sight?

2007-06-25T12:04:00.000-06:00

When I first saw him, I knew
My stomach flipped and fluttered
My heart pumped ever so fast
Could this be?

When he spoke, I knew
My, oh my the confidence
Of his words ever so sweet
Could this be?

When he took my hand, I knew
That I would never be
Ever so content without him
Could this be?

When he kissed me, I knew
My, oh my the warmth
Of that not so subtle embrace
Could this be?

When I said goodbye, I knew
Of the ache that would come
With every passing thought
Could this be?

When I said goodbye, I knew
To dream is ordinary
But this was not mine
It wouldn’t be.

When I said goodbye, I knew
I would find it again
Just not in this moment
It wasn’t meant to be.

business friend

2007-06-22T11:59:00.000-06:00

Have you ever liked someone who was bad for you? You know very well they are not heading in the direction you want, and have no interest in steering you that way but you still like them....and they like you too. I mean, they are a good peeps, great conversation, but it’s one of those people you will never go anywhere with. Even as a friend they are questionable, because even if they are great, they do engage in some sought of questionable behavior by your standards. You start to wonder if you are being judgmental or if you should just accept people as they are and love them from a distance.

They have different ideas about how life works and maybe that is why you like them so much. Different is good, provides stimulating conversation and is quite the eye-opener. You don’t want to give that up but at the same time you don’t want to be associated too closely. Are you building yourself up or holding yourself back by having some sought of relationship with this person? Is there something as friend on a business basis even if there is no business?

Just wondering.

Think

2007-06-21T15:31:00.000-06:00

Just when I think it’s over
Sinking deeper
Screaming louder
No help in sight

Just when I think I cannot make it
Treading in sorrow
Dreading tomorrow
No beam of light

Just when I think I’m forgotten
Amazing love
Streaming from above
I feel your might

Just when I think, I stop to think
Caring father
Loving master
It is all right!

I wrote this a while back but it made me smile today.

attitude to inspire

2007-06-20T12:47:00.000-06:00

I have come to the point where I can accept that life is just the way it is. Neither a pessimistic or optimistic view, I consider it a healthy balance. The pessimist in me used to see life as innocent people suffer, the evil become rich, the rich become richer, the poor even poorer. I had even scaled down this theory to apply to me; I worked hard and I didn’t get the job, it just seemed that everyone who was doing everything I considered wrong was the only one who was getting ahead. After a few church services, I would be filled with hope eternal only to swing back to poor me when something went terribly wrong. Life happens and that is all there is to it. I realized that the quicker I accepted that fact, the better my life would be. No one is out to get me, I didn’t pick an unlucky number.

I remember someone once told me that if we could all put our troubles in a pile, we would be content in picking our own right back. It’s true, even with my own baggage, I meet people with whom I would never trade places, and then I meet people my age who have accomplished so much more, and I start to pity myself. It’s the cycle and futility of this life. At some point, you are up and then down, some people always seem to be up and others always seem to be down. But those who are up could be just as happy or unhappy as those who are down. Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing. In all honesty, I answered ‘Very well’. My life hasn’t changed too much from what has been causing me chaos in the past few months or years but my attitude has.

Last night I watched a PBS documentary about the lives of two Somali families who lived for years at a refugee camp in Kenya and recently resettled in the US. There are horror stories all around but every now and then I get one that grips me. There was one woman whose husband left her to take care of four kids. She had seen her parents brutally murdered, ran for days, lost her two oldest kids in the scatter, lived in a refugee camp, and the story began as they were getting ready to resettle in America. It is a powerful documentary but the one thing I will never forget is the face of that single mother. Despite her living situation and even her husband abandoning her at the camp, she had the brightest face ever, the most positive energy. She was happy for her kids that were there, she was happy about her first job washing floors, her paycheck meager as it was, her small apartment in Atlanta. She sang when she talked about her husband who abandoned her, saying how tired she was of waiting for him to show up.Of course there was sadness as she spoke of her parent's death, not knowing where her kids were, the pressure of being a single mom but she did not dwell on all of that.If you had just caught a piece of documentary, you would think that this woman had everything she wanted just by the way she smiled and the vibe she gave. At the end of the documentary, she is preparing for her daughter’s wedding and she was not nagging about the cake, the bridesmaids dresses, the number of guests, none of that crap that plagues most of us who have ten times as much. Her ability to overcome her surroundings and not let all the negativity weigh her down was phenomenal. There are people who inspire others just by being. If I could accomplish one thing in this life is to be one such person, that I can live my life so someone else is inspired.

some wow stuff

2007-06-11T12:30:00.000-06:00

The past week has been extremely amazing in so many ways. A lot of thoughts I haven’t put down lately.
First I know I’m so blessed to be surrounded by such loving people. I love my own company but I thrive on being around people and just enjoy being. So this past week has been more than magical with people graduating and so lots of get-togethers. There is nothing sweeter to the ears and eyes than a room full of people laughing, eating, kids cooing, just feeling the love all around. I look at my life just over a year ago which was so full of sadness and I know there is a God. Only God could have done this. I was so emotional this weekend. I spoke to my son’s father and it was not a very good 1 minute conversation rather accusatory at best and when I thought about it I kept crying, not because of what he said but because I was in such a better place in my life, that I was experiencing such unconditional love, that I was sharing some great life accomplishments with people who mean a lot to me and his comments to me faded in that light. It didn’t matter what he thought. It doesn’t matter anymore. I had that self-realization and it was so healthy but I couldn’t stop crying because it felt so good. I am living an answered prayer and he cannot take that away from me.
I ran into some old friends too. It’s such a thrill to meet someone you haven’t seen in years. You don’t even know what to say. My high school roommate, Lawd, it’s such a small world! We haven’t changed much in 10 years…ten friggin years!! Wow. It was nice to see them minus the uniform and just how fabulous everyone looks. My ex-bf….now this one was tough. I said I was ok but I was so uncomfortable. Truth is I loved and I mean looved the guy but broke up with him because I didn’t think he was on the same level. Just like that picked up the phone and said my peace. (I was 20 and amateur at this stuff but I imagine a phone break up is bad). I was really heartbroken. So since I found out he was coming, I hadn’t been thinking str8. He didn’t ask about my life, I didn’t volunteer..we did some chitchat and I wanted to break the ice but I didn’t have the guts…he’s gone and I guess that ship has sailed.sigh.. I thought I had worked on the coulda shouldas but I couldn’t sleep thinking what the best reaction shoulda been. In the least I hope I can mend some bridges.
This was my friend’s weekend, didn’t want to make about me, I may have in some way, darn it. Hey, I’m still a work in progress. I guess the best lesson I’ve learnt so far is to forgive myself, learn and move on.

I think I chilled out too much

2007-06-05T13:23:00.000-06:00

When I look at my handbag, it’s a reflection of how my life is nowadays: disorganized. I move from one thing to the other, I haven’t bothered to tie up any loose ends; don’t deal with stuff like I should. OMG! It’s getting to be overwhelming. Receipts that need to be checked up on, eye make-up for an event a week ago, the bracelet I broke sometime back (I don’t even think I can repair it), my son’s menu at school (this should be hanging on the refrigerator), someone’s number scribbled on a receipt (why didn’t I put this in my phone yet?), my palm that I haven’t updated in two weeks…and the same goes for my car: tons of art projects from preschool, pair of shoes, maybe two, my CD’s are sprawled on the back seat, my work out clothes for the Pilates I’m supposed to be doing with a friend…and even if I wanted to run, I have a pile of dishes waiting at home and a bunch of clothes that I let sit in the drier…grrr.. I hate ironing! With all this it only follows that my office is a mess, there is piles of undone stuff everywhere!

One of the reasons I’m giving myself this pep talk is because I’m hosting friends of friends for the weekend and everything will have to be spotless by this Thursday…somehow..lol. The biggest reason is because I hate messes, they drive me crazy. I thought about waking up early this morning and working on those clothes and the dishes but it stayed at that; just a thought. I’m now beginning to wish I had a dishwasher even though I’m a self-professed love washing dishes type of gal, I really am, I just don’t know what’s been up lately. One positive thing is that at least we haven’t eaten junk food, and I have been diligent in having complete meals. I even cut up the melons. See I love fruit but I don’t like cutting it up. This started way back in my family. We always had fruit but if no one washed and cut it up, it rotted on the counter. At least there was six of us then, now its just us two and my lil man sure can’t cut up any cantaloupe but loves to eat it, so much so I think he at ¾ of the whole fruit last night after dinner…lol

I have to pull my act together and get out of this funk. I haven’t been stressing about a lot of things lately but maybe I’m taking this lax attitude too far. Ok I got some cleaning up to do.

just a loving rant

2007-05-21T12:26:00.000-06:00

Even though I enjoy meeting people, having company around me, I realize that I’m afraid to go to the next step to connect with people above the usual meets. In college I think I was just shy and introverted, now I exhibit a great extroverted qualities, I know it’s kinda hard to explain. I hate to admit to myself but I’m truly scared on a subconscious level to invite people into the inner circle. The number one reason being I USED to think I was too messed up so the nice people I met did not want to be involved in my baggage. I always told myself that I needed to work on myself first before I created openness with people I wanted to be friends with.

I have overcome this part with great difficulty that we all have our own hang-ups and people who genuinely connect with you will love you in spite of. In fact I have found out time and again that we are all alike in our messes than we are different. Being a single mom at some point I share my history with some people and in so doing I find out they have probably been through the same or experienced a part of the same craziness.. “..but you are so fabulous how could you have gone through that?” That is exactly what I wanted to I want to say to someone this weekend when she gave me a hug and told me what a strong woman she thought I was. I don’t know why I’m always shocked but I guess I should know by now that fabulous people that I meet have gone through fiya to get that luster.

I haven’t discounted the working on myself part. I’m still very vigorously learning to love myself. This is the most conscious I have been of myself ever. Taking control, making good choices, consciously. Sure I like to go with the flow sometimes, you know not have to think about what I’m doing, where to hang out, with whom and if things turn out horribly wrong not really think about it too much or just as easily get pissed off. This was me sought of in college, just nice person enjoying this life but wait… I think I like the more conscious me better.

I don’t know where this post was going. I’m just happy to know I can be me and people love me. I set the standards by which I receive and give love. I know…the almighty set the ultimate standard but you gotta give people something to work with and how you love yourself reflects in how people deal with you. When you love yourself you are not looking for conditional attachments with other people, you have been set free! You give love sincerely and in the same way and just as important are able to accept it sincerely.

Note: above thoughts heavily influenced by Iyanla Vanzant’s ‘In the meantime’

still blessed

2007-05-10T11:46:00.000-06:00

The paradox of life, just when you think you are sailing smoothly some storm starts to brew out of nowhere, the waves start rising, the sharks start to attack and even the friendly sea creatures turn hostile. Then you start to wonder, was I dreaming or did things just take a turn? Then there is that moment when you decide whether to take this all in stride or to let it overwhelm you. I know the latter intimately. I just start to get upset, curse my bad fortune and cry. I realize that I’m confused and don’t really know what to do. I start to hope that the storm calms down soon or else I won’t be able to handle it. I don’t really know what to do! Should I steer straight on or turn back? Should I call for help? Did I see this coming, if not, why didn’t I? Maybe I did, but I didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Now I’m accepting the reality of this life. I journal to remind myself of how far I’ve come, how much I have learnt, the mistakes I made, the triumphs, the drama that we live in. I’m still blessed.

Yesterday after I wrote my piece on being blessed, I encountered some serious drama. It set me back for a minute and I even thought about it waking up this morning and I wanted to cry. The greatest reason I wasn’t fuming was because my son was there and his dad was causing the drama. It is such a paralyzing place to be. On one hand I would want to cut off all contact with this person, but I know better, I will have to put up with the BS for a good portion of my life and the sooner I learn to deal with it the better. I not only do it for my son, but for myself as well. Because I know you could get drama anywhere anyhow. Someone at work started some type of drama. When I say drama, it means unnecessary craziness that doesn’t even have to exist in the first place. In the midst of all this, I find that I got a ticket for ‘jumping’ a red light! WTH? A whopping $90 and I’m pissed. I’m a good driver and I know this intersection is notorious for the camera action. Since it was about a month ago, my recollection is hazy but I’m still going to contest it. *Sigh*

I’m doing better with my life. It’s frustrating not to have total control over my situation but I’m determined to have a better attitude regardless of what drama comes my way. I guess I will steer straight into the storm, I think I know when to call for help. But now I need to focus on getting to the calm. I’m getting to a point where I know God has my back because for while I doubted. I can feel some divine intervention going on that is beyond me. I’m still blessed.

The glass is half-full

2007-05-09T11:10:00.000-06:00

I’ve been feeling so blessed and wanting to blog about it for the past week. Not because my life is going superbly well, on the contrary, there is still a ton of madness going in my life, lot of uncertainties. But somehow the divine power has been able to still my soul to see beyond these circumstances and revel in the blessings. I don’t know how, in fact I’ve been holding my breath wondering if this is something temporary. There are a few things I can pinpoint in my life that have really helped me grow to this realization and attitude towards life.

I have been reading Iyanla’s book, “In the Meantime”. I read it in portions because it’s a lil deep and a sista needs the time to ruminate on the content. I have had a few hallelujah moments while reading this book and it has been very practical in my life. “Honoring, respecting and supporting myself by believing I can achieve what I want without compromising my values”, is a theme that Iyanla explores in the beginning chapters and I wouldn’t do it justice paraphrasing it. I’ve tried to explain to couple of my friends, it seems like ‘life and love 101’ but so hard to explain. I just know I got it, my light bulb moment!

I have also spent a considerable amount of time honoring relationships in my life. I thrive in company and really enjoy spending time with friends and family. But when I was going through the rough road, I withdrew partly because I was ashamed of my situation, held pity parties for myself and mostly because I just didn’t feel good enough to establish new relationships or keep up with the old ones. I didn’t feel confident to share who I was and I didn’t even know who I had become. So I just sat at home.

That has changed considerably. My motivation being my lil man; to find a family of friends where he and I could belong and share. It was important for me to see my son thrive in a community of loving relationships. My immediate family is far, so my friends are my family. It has taken a lot to come out of my comfort zone. I wanted my son to see that life goes on. He knows the circle of people we hang around, knows that they love him, that they respect his mom. This past weekend was spent doing just that, hanging out with friends. Really that is all we did. We ate, hang out, laughed, enjoyed each other’s company, and supported our friends who have had great accomplishments. Nae, if you read this, I’m so proud of you. I spoke to my sis and encouraged her before she begins her first teaching intership. She is brilliant and I'm so proud. I’m so proud to know all the people I know in my life. I still don’t put myself out there as much as I would want to trust people and all but I think I will crawl on this no need to start running.

I could rant about all the bad in my life but I won’t, I think its good every now and then to let it be. Anything negative I can change, I am putting effort to do that the best way I know how and then there are those things that I just can’t change. When was I ever this positive on a Wednesday?

being proactive

2007-04-26T14:43:00.000-06:00

I'm on a quest to find new things, new inspiration, go down the list of things I've always wanted to do. Can't keep doing the same ol stuff and complain that life sucks. Something's gotta change. I'm being super proactive! So this week its painting and yoga.

I met Leah, a phenomenal artist and person couple months back. I’m glad I conveyed my interest in art and she volunteered to show me a thing or two. So I took a watercolors painting lesson yesterday. I’ve never been so crazy excited about something like this! My dad is a gifted artist who at the beginning of his career was a graphic designer but as life happened art took a major back seat. We always tried to get him going again but he was too busy making a living so we could have. I feel a bit of the gene, I love drawing and like playing with color. I’ve always been fascinated by landscapes and whenever I’m bored at meetings I make drawings. So I’m exploring the possibilities.

Last night we sat at a table and we each had a landscape for inspiration. There is something magical about putting paint on paper and letting the painting take a life of its own. It was not bad for an amateur. I carried my unfinished painting and my friend is letting me use her professional brushes and quality paper!

I’m excited because this is something I can do with my son. He was the motivation to seek out painting as something that we could do together as we deal with the craziness of this life. I might actually start spending more time at home now.

Proactive move number 2 was that I spoke to a co-worker who takes yoga and she recommended her classes and even offered me a free pass! So on Sato, it's yoga. I took couple classes eons ago and liked it so I'm psyched. I feel good already.